


Animal spirits.

by Xbertyx



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Animal Transformation, Brief mpreg (Can be skimmed over in two chaps if it's not your thing. Won't affect the story much.), Crack, Crack ... crack ... not chair crack (Winks at one user) but still CRACKKKKKK, Cracka - kacker - lacka? Ummm, Demons, Did I Mention Crack?, Female Sascha, Naked Alan - most of the time (Put some clothes on .... gawddddd.), Other, We be cracking ... we be rolling, killing demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-15
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-05-20 15:59:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 16,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6015324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xbertyx/pseuds/Xbertyx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inspired by this prompt: I shot her - emptied the entire clip into her body. She never blinked, just examined me curiously as her wound closed.<br/>------<br/>Supernatural gone way, way, omg way wrong! </p><p>Eric and Ronald are demon hunters - bad hunters, hunting after a demon in the woods just across the English border between Scotland and England. What they find leads to confusion ... and love? </p><p>This is crack but I like the plot :) Some sad and cute moments thrown in. </p><p>*Cracks up and rofls away*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. That damn good salty stick + a wounded dear.

**Author's Note:**

> Eric is Scottish in this, which explains the apparent errors in my spelling. 
> 
> Ah - I.  
> Gunnae - going to.  
> Wee - little.  
> Fir - for.  
> Ma - my/ me.  
> Wa' - was.  
> Li'e - like.  
> Dinnae - do not.  
> Stoop - stop.  
> Ken - know.  
> Dae - do.  
> Tae - to.

 Eric and Ronald had been demon hunters for almost eight years, ever since they turned sixteen. Being part of a mission by the British government to eradicate supernatural evil, they were payed generously for each kill and were also given flats to stay in during their missions. As such, their temporary locations changed quite regularly.

 Oh and just a little heads up here, they are the shittest demon hunters in all the land. But please, dear viewers, do not tell them that. You will hurt wee Eric’s feelings. So … let us take a look at the goofballs’ current actions:

 A map was rolled out on the table, Eric drawing a circle around one particular area. “This is tha’ spoot.”

 Ronald tapped a phrase into the search bar of his computer and quickly scowled down the webpage, clicking on the link. “Body parts ‘ave been washing up all along tha’ river. Fuckin’ demon cunt.”

 “Aye, an’ at this rate, someun else is gunnae die.”

 “Hmm … but how? Do y’ think that it’s a Mongolian goat fucker?”

 Eric rolled his eyes. “Mongolian goat demon, maybe. They can change intae any animal and jus’ poop oop and gobble yer oop li’e tha’.”

 Ronald lifted his arms into the air, motioning a rainbow as SpongeBob had. “I can see it in tha’ headlines now. Six foot man eaten alive by cockroach.”

 “Bloody huge cockroach, mate.”

 “Kackerlacka strikes again!”

 Eric frowned. “Yer wha’ now?”

 “Remember tha’ demon cockroach thing we took out in Sweden five years ago?”

 “Ohh, aye. Kackerlacka is Swedish fir cockroach, ah remember.”

 “And then we had ta’ drown a fiery Sköldpadda.”

 “A Swedish turtle, aye.”

 “But this seems kinda’ different. If it is a Mongolian goat fucker -.”

 “Demon!”

 “Goat ….” He clicked onto a bookmarked link. “Then it says here tha’ it can change inta’ human form too. I think tha’ we’re screwed.”

 “Na, we can dae this.” Eric finished loading up his gun. “A silver bullet kills off pretty much anythin’ evil.”

 “Unless it’s a fucked up cockroach or boiling turtle.”

 “Aye but tha’ bullet did slow ‘em doon a wee bit. It’ll wound it at least.”

 “Haha, yeah. And then I got this baby.” Ronald pulled out a silver sword coated in salt. “Works like a charm most of tha’ time.”

 “It saved yer from a floatin’ mermaid tha’ once, aye.”

 “Yeah … good times. Do y’ think Will and Grell will wanna’ come wi’ us this time? It’s been ages since tha’ boss got in a good kill.”

 “Na, they goat tha’ wee baby tae look after now. They dinnae wanna’ ken.”

 “Eh … true. I miss seein’ Grell’s drop kick though.”

 “Perv.” Eric chuckled.

 “Na, na!” Ronald sighed. “But I do miss them both. We’re gonna’ end up dead wi’out them one day. Will’s saved my life God knows how many times.”

 “Because yer goat shite aim anyway most of tha’ time.”

 “Don’t rub it in!”

 “Hah, sorry buddy. But anyway … we need tae kill this thing, wha’ever it is. We’re already here now.”

 “Yeah.”

 “Now?”

 “Nope, we need ta’ research more. Y’ can’t keep rushin’ in like tha’. No wonder we keep nearly dyin’.”

 “Aye … true an’ there’s no way tha’ ah’m gunnae drag yer back from hell. Once wa’ enough.”

 Ronald chuckled. “I survived a trip ta’ hell and back. I’m pretty badass, aren’t I?”

 “Who was tha’ poor soul who goat ‘is hair toasted? Ah wa’ bald fir a month aftir.”

 Ronald let out a loud laugh. “Oh man … tha’ was funny. Anyway, I’d love ta’ relive old stories like a married couple but we need ta’ ge’ down ta’ business.”

 “Work? Tha’ dinnae sound li’e yer at all.”

 “True. Fancy gettin’ some beer in then?”

 “Ah’m havin’ whisky.” Eric winked at him.

 “Hah … ‘course.”

\-----

 Eric wobbled onto his feet after drinking a whole bottle of the booze. “Righty then. Let’s … kill us … some demon!”

 “Y’ in no fuckin’ -, Ronald paused for a hiccup, “Fuckin’ state for stabbin’ and bashin’ right now.”

 Eric waved a hand and then burped. “What’re on aboot? Ah’m a proud Scott! One wee bottle inni’ gunnae stoop ma.”

 Gas came from the other end of Ronald. “Man … how did Will ever put … up wi’ y’?”

 “’Cause ah’m hunky an’ … chunky an’ ah’ll knock all tha’ fuckers dead!”

 “Y’ neither … of those things, mate.”

 “That’s naw wha’ he said.” Eric grinned before grunting and fanning his face. “Fuck … tha’ stinks! Yer been possessed by a … a … ehh … manure demon?”

 “Does tha’ actually exist?” Ronald tilted his head to the side.

 “It does now! Come … on, we goota’ ge’ gooin’ befir ah die of … lack of air.”

 “But we … can’t drive in … this state.”

 “Then we’ll walk.”

 “It’s like … umm … five miles away?”

 “Tha’ fresh air will dae us – ma good.”

 Ronald rolled his eyes. “Fine. Ge’ y’ gun.”

 “And yer ge’ yerr salty stick – oh wait, it’s already … attached!”

 “Very fuckin’ funny. I’m … tha’ one who washes, remember?”

 “So dae ah! Eh … ah took a bath … last nigh’, don’ yer remember?”

 “Wi’ tha’ booze y’ve drunk … I’m surprised y’ remember.” Ronald stood up and grabbed his salty weapon. “Lead tha’ way then, genius.”

 “Aye … no bother.”

 ------

 Almost two hours later, Ronald and Eric reached the edge of the forest. Thankfully, it was mid-afternoon and still lovely and sunny. They had both sobered up by now – a little?

 As soon as they climbed over a couple of tree roots, they heard rustling and turned to face … a deer. The animal began growling and spitting at them.

 “Deers … fuckin’ growl?” Ronald stated, pulling his sword out.

 “Aye … demon uns dae, ah suppose.” He ripped his gun from his coat.

 The animal dug its hooves into the ground and growled more.

 “Fuckin’ hell, Eric … shoot tha’ thing!”

 As it rose up onto its hind legs, a bullet pierced its torso. A strange whimpering sound echoed around the forest, the deer hitting the ground harshly. It began to twitch.

 “Ahhh … nice shot, mate!” Ronald stated. “Tha’ thing was easy ta’ kill.”

 The movement of the creature stopped. “Aye … proud of ma?”

 “Yep. Come on, let’s go … ge’ another drink.”

 “Sounds grand.” They both turned around and took a single step.

 “That wasn’t … very nice.” The leaves began to rustle and the pair stopped dead in their tracks. “I said that … was mean of you both.”

 They turned around and saw a male human slowly getting to his feet, a naked human. Only this human had deer ears and a cute little tail. He examined the demon hunters closely as the wound closed, bullet dropping into his open hand.

 A pout formed on his youthful looking face. “Very mean … indeed.”

 Ronald gulped and tugged on Eric’s coat. “E … Eric, wha’ tha’ actual fuck?!”


	2. En Kopp Te - HEHEHE.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Steve Irwin - a late croc hunter from Australia.  
> Jag vill ha en kopp te - I want a cup of tea.  
> Ja - yes.  
> En kopp katt - a cup of cat.

 Eric’s eyes fixed on the human as he moved closer. “Ah … ah … dinnae ken.”

 “I’ll say it again.” The human deer thingy said. “You were mean.”

 “S … sorry. P … please don’t … eat us! I … can’t die wi’out … gettin’ a bj!” Ronald begged.

 Eric elbowed him in the ribs. “That’s naw fuckin’ helpin’!”

 “A … bj?” The human cocked his head to the side, brown hair sliding over one eye.

 “Y … yeah, y’ … know, when someone … sucks y’ dick.” Ronald stammered. “I’ll … give y’ one … if y’ promise ta’ … let us go.”

 “Yer’ve never been wi’ a guy, hur could yer give a good un?” Eric rolled his eyes.

 “S … shut up, Eric! I … I don’t wanna’ ge’ munched on!”

 The brunette quirked an elbow and gestured with a hand down to his crotch. “D … down there? That … sounds nice but you … need to hurry up and leave this place. It … it isn’t … safe for you here.”

 “Y’ … not a Mongolian goat fucker?”

 “Nope … last time I checked … I’m not Mongolian or … a fucker of anything.”

 “Oh.”

 “And there isn’t a … Mongolian goat demon in these woods. That’s not … what’s hurting humans.”

 “Oh … then wha’ is?” Eric asked.

 “You don’t need to know … that. Just please leave … before you get gobbled up.”

 “Na, we’re demon hunters!” Eric grinned. “Wha’ever it is, we can kill -.”

 The deer’s eyes went wide. “G … get out of here! It’s coming!”

 There was a loud crash that emitted from behind the deer (umm … whatever it is), a tree slamming into the ground. The figure of an enormous deformed, dead dog appeared from the dust and gushing leaves. Its sunken red eyes fixed on the two hunters.

 “RUN!” The brunette hollowed but Eric and Ronald froze in place.

 The demon dog charged towards them, a front leg lifting and bending back in a way that a normal dog’s joints wouldn’t allow. Eric’s eyes fixed on the sharp claws that were thrusted towards him in another movement.

 “Aghhh!” The brunette had jumped in front of Eric at the last possible moment, claws running him from front to back. He made a spluttering noise and then breathed out. “R … run … please.”

 “But -.”

 “I … I can … fight … it. G … go.”

 Ronald grabbed Eric’s hand and dragged him in the direction of the edge of the forest. “Y’ heard tha’ fowl.”

 “But … we can’t jus’ leave ‘im -.”

 “We’re in way over our heads on this one. Come on, move!”

 “A … aye, alright.” Eric somehow got his legs to work and they both sprinted from the forest, Eric almost tripping over various roots and falling from dips in the ground. They didn’t stop running until they reached the block where both of their flats were housed. Five miles of running – ouch!

 “Oh man … I got blisters on my blisters.” Ronald whined.

 A punch was aimed at the wall, Eric grunting. “We nearly goat killed – again!”

 “Thank fuck tha’ Bambi was there.”

 Eric gulped, uneasiness churning his stomach. “We … we goatta’ goo an’ help ‘im!”

 “Wha’?! Fuck no! I nearly had my mouth around its dick! Tha’ thing probably doesn’t even wash – eh wait, do deers lick their balls?”

 “Ronald Knox, be fuckin’ quiet!”

 “Jus’ … sayin’.”

 “'E’s naw a bloody cat so hur should ah ken?!”

 “Yeah … wha’ tha’ hell was it exactly?”

 “Ah dinnae ken. Not a Monny goat anyway.”

 “Yeah … it didn’t seem evil.”

 “He wasn’t … ah don’ think. Ma bullet dinnae hurt 'im. He healed right oop.”

 “Yeah … weird.”

 “Grab all tha’ other weapons yer goat an’ ge’ yer car.”

 “I’m not goin’ back out there! Are y’ fuckin’ bonkers?!” Ronald shot Eric a look of utter disbelief.

 “We cannae jus’ leave ‘im oat there! Did yer naw see tha’ size of tha’ fuckin’ mutt?! Hur’s he gunnae fight tha’ thing?!”

 “Lick its balls until it surrenders?”

 “We need tae hurry oop an’ -.”

 “And ge’ ourselves killed!”

 “He saved ma life! Ah cannae jus’ stand here while ‘es ripped tae shreds!”

 “Bambi will be fine.”

 “Ah … ah cannae take tha’ chance.”

 Ronald sighed. “I guess we do owe it one.”

 “Exactly!”

 “But … we don’t even know … wha’ tha’ demon thing is.”

 “Aye, ah ken. Ah’ve never seen somethin’ li’e tha’ befir.”

 “It reeked of shit, wha’ever it was.”

 “Ah ken tha’. Eurgh … ah need a fuckin’ showa’ after this.”

 “Woah … miracles do happen.”

 “Shut yer trap, wee shite!”

 “We need ta’ research and see wha’ its weakness is before we jus’ go in there guns blazin’.”

 “Aye, grand idea! A silver bullet should dae it!”

 Ronald rolled his eyes. “Y’ not listenin’ ta’ a word I say, are y’?”

 “Yer right! Bring tha’ machete too!”

 “Eric!”

 Eric blinked at him. “Eh … wha’?”

 “Research. R – E – S – E – A – R – C – H.”

 “Oooh crikey – yer can spell!”

 “Don’t go all Steve Irwin on my ass!”

 “Ja.”

 “Y’ not German either!”

 “Tha’ wa’ Swedish?”

 “It’s German for yes too.”

 “Crikey.”

 “….”

\------

 Ronald had finally gotten through the thick skull to Eric’s brain and was currently researching as the beast of a man paced back and forth in front of the inside of the flat door like an angry bitch in heat.

 “’Ave yer found anythin’ yet?”

 “Na … not yet.” Ronald stated, tapping on his boxy glasses.

 “Adkskshskdkshskk! We’re wastin’ time!”

 “Wanna’ ge’ ta’ balls gobbled up? We gotta’ find out how ta’ kill this thing!”

 “Eh … no. Ah li’e ma balls very much, even if they dae drag on tha’ floor.”

 “Hah, y’ wish.”

 “Jus’ come on already. Tha’ deer is gunnae be dead at this rate.”

 “Maybe Bambi killed tha’ big bad wolfy.”

 “It’s a fuckin’ demon dog!”

 “Yeah … but there’s nothin’ ‘bout it online or in any of my text books.”

 “Did yer research Grim Hounds?”

 “Yep. Wasn’t a Grim Hound.”

 “Hell Hound?”

 “Yep, not a Hell Hound.”

 “En Brev Hund?”

 “It’s not a Swedish Letter Dog! We’re in fuckin’ England!”

 “En Kopp Katt?”

 “No … it’s a dog. Not a cup of any pussy.”

 “Ahhh …. Jag vill ha en kopp te.”

 “Stop fuckin’ showin’ off! I don’t care if yer want tea! I’m tryin’ ta’ do my job here!”

 “Then hurry oop!”

 Ronald sighed and slammed his laptop lid shut. “I give up. There’s nothin’ ‘bout tha’ devil dog or Bambi on tha’ database.”

 “Jus’ gimme’ yerr car keys.”

 “Y’ not touchin’ my Impala!” It was a gift from the demon hunter academy to show that Ronald had passed his exams and it was also a proud symbol of demon hunters around the word. Sadly, dear viewers, Eric had gotten pissed on whiskey and crashed his Imp the day after being gifted with it. How … shameful.

 “Then ge’ oaf yerr fat arse!”

 “Excuseeeee me?! My ass is bangin’, mate!”

\------

 The two entered the forest again. The plan? They didn’t really have one, per se. It was more find Bambi, save Bambi is he was injured and shove Bambi into the car before woofy could eat them, dicks and all. How … grisly.

 Eric and Ronald tried their best to remember where exactly Bambi- boo had saved them. It wasn’t easy. They had been ~~tipsy~~ drunk after all. Having figured out where to spring into, they entered the woods and both let out a gasp, Ronald cursing at the end of his.

 The brunette was convulsing harshly against the forest floor, a thick pool of blood surrounding him. Eric raced up to him, bending down next to Bambi. “Hey … are yer alright?”

 The deer – human whimpered. “W … why … did you … come back? It’s … really … dangerous.”

 “Tae save yer.”

 “Oh … how sweet. Shame … that you’re … probably going to … be munched … on.” It whimpered again and spasmed.

 “Umm … Eric.” Ronald said.

 “Aye, aye … run!” He scooped up the brunette easily and they raced from the forest again.

 “Damn … it’s gonna’ bleed all over my Impala! Stupid Bambi cunt!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sara is going to cuss me for cocking up my Swedish (I don't think I have but I probably have) when she reads this. 
> 
> Men Sara, Det är okej. Jag mår bra. *Kram* *Du krama mig tillbaka?*


	3. Screaming banshee.

 Bambi was wrapped up in Eric’s coat and placed down on the back seats of Ronald’s Impala. Eric moved into the small gap that was left, eyeing the deer with concern.

 “How’s it doin’?” Ronald asked as he got into the driver’s seat and started up the car.

 “Eh … naw good. ‘E’s bleedin’ pretty bad.”

 “Onta’ my fuckin’ seats?”

 “Aye an’ all through ma coat.”

 “Dick.” Ronald drove away quickly, not wanting to see the hound appear again. “Oi prick, learn how ta’ fuckin’ drive!” He shouted, not realising that he was the one driving like a twat.

 “Bambi, hur're yer doin’?”

 “H … hurts.” The brunette convulsed again.

\------

 Eric took the brunette to his apartment instead and lay him down on his bed. “Ronnie, grab ma tha’ first aid kit.”

 “Alright.” Ronald moved into the kitchen area and grabbed the green kit before going back into the bedroom. Eric was pulling away the coat, which was heavily soaked with blood.

 “Ahh … shite, this is bad.”

 Bambi had a deep gouge in his side, one rib showing through the mess of flesh, as well as various puncture wounds and what appeared to be a broken leg. This worst injury by far was a chunk of flesh missing from the side of his neck, which revealed parts of his trachea.

 “We need ta’ ge’ it cleaned up.” Ronald stated.

 Bambi whimpered slightly. “S … salt … water.”

 “Eh?”

 “It … it bit me.” He rolled over slightly and gagged, slimy covered strips of leaves splashing onto the bed sheets.

 Ronald grimaced. “Ugh … fuckin’ gross.”

 Eric moved to rub his back. “It’s alright. I can whoosh ‘em.”

 “Nnnn ….” Bambi began to pant harshly.

 “Where did it bite yer?”

 “S … shoulder. C … can’t heal – saliva.”

 “There’s somethin’ in its spit?”

 “Paralysing … me … slowly. C … can’t move … one arm.”

 “An’ salt water will help?”

 “H … hmm.” The brunette began to shake violently.

 “Ronnie, run a bath.”

\------

 Bambi was eased down into salty water – the hunters had a nice supply of salt at their disposal – the water reaching up to his neck.

 “Tha’ any better?” Eric asked.

 “A … little.”

 Eric grabbed a clean sponge and worked the water against the puncture in the brunette’s shoulder. “Water warm enough fir yer?”

 “Y … yes, thank you.”

 “So I got a question for y’.” Ronald said. “Where did tha’ hound go? Why didn’t it finish y’ off when it had tha’ chance?”

 “Knox!” Eric glared at him.

 “Wha’? I think it’s weird tha’ Bambi isn’t dead already.”

 “Dinnae be a cunt when he saved our lives.”

 “My … name … is Alan.” The deer said. “I … don’t know … where you … got Bambi from.”

 “A movie.” Ronald stated.

 “Oh – wait … a what?”

 “Doesn’t matter, grass breath. So, how did y’ survive?”

 “She … saved me.” Alan sat up slightly, the feeling already coming back into his arm.

 “Eh … who?”

 “The … banshee.”

 “Yer wha’?” Eric asked. “They dinnae exist an’ anyway, that’s an Irish legend.”

 “She … does … exist.”

 “But isn’t she ‘spose tae be an omen of death or somethin’?”

 “T … that … part’s a myth.”

 “Oh … alright.”

 “Can … we talk about … this later? I’m … really tired.”

 “Aye, sure. Feelin’ any better?”

 “Y … yes, thank you.”

 “Ronnie, go clean up tha’ leaf puke.”

 “Fuck no, Bambi is y’ lil’ pet. Y’ do it.”

 “My name’s Alan!”

\-----

 A while later, Alan was placed into a clean bed, the new sheets being eased around him. The wounds had been bandaged up and it was now a matter of waiting for them to heal. Eric felt his forehead. “Damn … yerr fuckin’ icy.”

 “I … I do … feel cold. The … fight took a … lot of my energy from me.”

 “Ronnie, dae ah ‘ave a hot water bottle wi’ me?”

 “Na, it split, remember?”

 “Oh … aye, yerr fat arse popped it.”

 “Fuck off!”

 “Hah, this will ‘ave tae dae then.” Eric stripped off his dirty shirt and shifted under the covers, pressing his chest to Alan’s back.

 “Don’t fuck Bambi!”

 “Eh? Ah’m naw, ah’m jus’ givin’ ‘im some of ma body heat.”

 “Oh.”

 “Li’e ah’d fuck a wounded animal.”

 “Hmm … warm.” Alan snuggled back against him, his tail twitching happily.

 “Yer li’e tha’?” Eric smiled, wrapping an arm gently around his waist.

 “Y … yes.”

 Ronald pulled a face. “Gross … fuckin’ sappy shit. I’m goin’ out ta’ ge’ food.”

 “Alright.” As Ronald left the room, Eric pulled Alan closer, his smile growing. _Damn … those ears are so fucking cute._


	4. Stop turning Bambi on!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh and Eric doesn't have glasses in this AU.

 Ronald came back into Eric’s apartment half an hour later, having robbed the keys from the inside of the door. Eric heard him enter the bedroom. “Yer ge’ any gad food?”

 “Cookies … mmm.”

 “Don’ start droolin’ on ma again.”

 “Too late!” Ronald beamed. “Oh … and I got somethin’ for Bambi.”

 “Alan.” Bambi stated.

 “Oh … y’ still awake?”

 “’E’s in too much pain tae sleep.” Eric stated.

 “Oh … it hasn’t healed up yet?”

 “C … can you stop calling me … an it, please?” Alan sighed.

 “Na, he hasn’t healed oop yet.” Eric said. “Wha’ did yer ge’ ‘im anyway?”

 “Wha’ y’ give ta’ all poorly animals.” Ronald pulled out a baby bottle from his shopping bag. “Soya milk and somethin’ ta’ feed him wi’.”

 “Yer use tha’ wi’ baby animals, idiot.”

 “Aww … but he looks like a lil’ baby wi’ how he’s cuddled up ta’ y’.”

 Alan rolled his eyes but didn’t object.

 “Why Soya milk?”

 “Because he’s a dear, right? Give him somethin’ vegetarian.”

 “I … am hungry.” Alan stated.

 “Dae ah’ ge’ tae feed yer li’e a wee baby?” Eric chuckled. He took the quickening twitches of Alan’s tail to mean yes please. “Kinky bastard.”

 “Hmm ….” _He’s … warm and I don’t … feel like moving away._

 “Ronnie, wash tha’ bottle oat fir ma.”

 “Ugh … y’ so fuckin’ bossy.”

\-----

 Alan was lifted sideways into Eric’s lap, the blonde keeping the covers tightly wrapped around them both. Ronald beamed. “I can’t believe he’s actually lettin’ y’ do tha’.”

 “Aye, it’s ‘is baby animal comin’ out ah guess.” He scratched Alan under the chin, the brunette’s leg bouncing slightly. “Yer li’e tha’, don’ yer?”

 “Hmm ….”

 The bottle was handed over to Eric and he pressed it to Alan’s mouth, the deer beginning to suck on the tip instantly.

 Ronald chuckled. “Y’ got him tamed pretty well already.”

 Alan continued to lap up the liquid. _Ugh … he’s so annoying. If … I was at full health, I wouldn’t let this other guy feed me like this. No way – hmm … this tastes nice._ Both his ears and tail began to flutter again. He whined softly as the bottle was pulled away, contents emptied.

 “Yer want some more?” Eric asked.

 “P … please.”

 “Ronnie, fill it back oop.”

 “Hah, he’s such a lil’ baby.” Ronald took the bottle from him.

 Alan huffed slightly and rested his head against Eric’s shoulder. “B … be quiet.”

\------

 Later that night, Alan sat up in Eric’s bed and then quickly lay back down, missing Eric’s body heat instantly. “I’m … all healed now.”

 “Good.” Ronald said from his position sitting on the edge of the bed. “So Bambi, wha’ tha’ hell are y’ exactly? I tried ta’ research a deer human thing tha’ wasn’t evil and I didn’t find anythin’.”

 Alan sighed. _He’s never going to call me by my real name, is he?_ “I’m … not just a deer. That’s just the form I like to take.”

 Eric’s hand moved up to stroke against one of Alan’s ear, making the brunette hum loudly. “So, wha’ are yer then?”

 “A spirit animal.”

 “Ah - a wha’?” Ronald spluttered.

 “You are supposed to be demon hunters, aren’t you? How can … you not know about other mystical beings?”

 “Eh … we’ve never seen somethin’ like y’ before?”

 “You … are terrible at your job.”

 “Hey don’t be a cu -.”

 “So … yer gunnae tell us wha’ a spirit animal is exactly?” Eric’s fingertip rubbed against the base of the back of the ear.

 “Hmm …..”

 “Don’t make him jizz his pants.” Ronald chuckled.

 “Not gunnae.” Eric replied.

 The brunette composed himself. “Spirit … animals are guardians of the woods. We … are part human, with the … ability to change into any animal. I … just like being … a dear. We … have the task of … protecting humans against demons that flood … our area.”

 “So that’s why yer growled at us, eh?” Eric asked.

 “Y … yeah. I was … trying to scare you off. But you know, you … decided to shoot me instead.”

 “Hey, if y’ didn’t want Eric ta’ shoot y’, y’ should ‘ave jus’ come ta’ us in human form.”

 “But … growling at people works all of the time.”

 “Hah, not tha’ time. Plus, people ‘ave been bein’ eaten for tha’ past couple of weeks.” Ronald smirked. “Y’ kinda’ failed.”

 “Because … that demon was really quick. Sometimes he got to people before … I could.”

 “Slow bastard. So … any idea wha’ tha’ thing is?”

 “It’s a Titan Hound.”

 “A wha’ now?”

 “A demon in the form of a huge dog.”

 “Na … if it was jus’ a demon, we’d ‘ave documents on it but we don’t.”

 Alan rolled his eyes and then let out a groan as Eric rubbed a certain spot on his ear that made his cheeks flush. “S … stop that.” His hands shifted to cover his crotch, cheeks becoming redder by the second.

 “Eh … sorry Alan.” Eric moved his hand away. “Yerr ears are jus’ so soft.”

 “Hmm …. Anyway, you’ve never heard of them because … they’ve never … come to earth before. These demons … are residents of the very pits of hell. I’m really shocked that … one could even climb up to earth.”

 “Damn … tha’ pits of hell? Tha’ demon must be strong.” Ronald pulled a face.

 Alan huffed and admitted “too … strong for me to … take out on my own. I … couldn’t match up to its power. It just kept attacking, never … giving me a chance to retaliate.”

 “Okay then smart ass, if y’ know so much, how do we kill it?”

 “An’ hur dae yer even ken aboot this demon if yer’ve never seen un befir?” Eric added.

 “More importantly, how can y’ understand a fuckin’ word Eric’s sayin’?”

 “I can understand all languages and accents.” Alan stated. “It’s a … talent handed to me at birth. Also, knowledge of all demons is also passed to … all spirit animals.”

 “So … killin’ tha’ cunt?”

 “I need to pierce the … nape of its neck.”

 “Ah … so y’ need our help, huh?”

 “Unfortunately … yes.”

 Ronald nodded. “Alright then. Put some fuckin’ clothes on and we’ll come up wi’ some sort of plan.”

 “Hold oon.” Eric smirked. “Alan, yer said tha’ yer can turn intae any animal, right?”

 “Yes ….”

 “So can yer give yerrself other animal ears an’ shite?”

 “I … can.”

 Eric’s smirk grew. “Ah wanna’ see tha’ first.”

 “But … it takes up a lot of energy and I’ve used a lot … healing.”

 “Ah’ll give yer another bottle if yer dae it fir ma.”

  “Oh … okay.” _Great … he really does know how to … bribe me._


	5. I don't like wearing pants.

 Deer Alan climbed out of bed, supressing a whine at the lack of close heat. “W … which animal?”

 “A cat.” Eric grinned.

 “Y’ don’t even like pussy.” Ronald rolled his eyes.

 Now – Alan, being the cute little pumpkin that everyone believed him to be from the musical, all the way up to fanfic and fan art, didn’t understand that phrase and blinked at Ronald. “What … colour cat?”

 Ronald jumped at the opportunity. “Let’s see some ginger pussy!”

 “Black please, Alan.” Eric kicked his idiotic friend off of the bed.

 “O … okay.” Alan took another few steps away from the bed.

 “Y’ really gotta’ sway y’ hips like tha’?” Ronald asked. “Y’ not in a fuckin’ strip club.”

 Alan frowned at him. “I … I’m just trying to … get into character.” He gave his body a quick shake and squeezed his eyes shut. The Deer characteristics disappeared, pointed ears and long black tail appearing. “Is … that okay?” Alan blushed slightly.

 The blonde raced off of the bed and felt Alan’s ears. “Sexy as fuck.”

 “S … sexy?”

 “Aye … it suits yer.” His fingers rubbed over the back of Alan’s ears and Alan let out a noise.

 “Did y’ jus’ fuckin’ purr?” Ronald gaped at him.

 “Aye … he did.” Eric grinned widely. “Yer li’e tha’, don’ yer?”

 “Hmm … I … do. Hmm ….” His tail swung from side to side. As if on instinct, his face moved closer to Eric’s, tongue lapping at his cheek.

 “Eurgh … ge’ a fuckin’ room, man.” The smaller hunter groaned.

 Alan pulled back quickly. “I … I’m sorry. I didn’t … think.”

 “It’s cool. It’s yer animal comin’ oot, right?”

 “I … I guess.” _But … why is he able to domesticate me so easily?! Gahhh!_ Alan was pulled from his internal meltdown by Eric’s fingertips scratching under his chin. The action caused his tail to clench. “Ahh ….” _Oh no … I’m going to get –_ “Eric … can I change into … something else? I’m not much … of a cat fan.”

 “Gayyyyyy.” Came Ronald’s irritating jibe.

 Eric ignored him. “Rabbit?”

 Alan clapped his hands together. “Okay!” His nose twitched slightly as his ears and tail were replaced by white fluffy ones. “Hmm … that feels better. I … don’t like changing into meat eating … animals.”

 “Oohh … that’s cute. Can ah touch yerr tail?”

 “Umm … okay.”

 Ronald almost barfed as he watched Eric squeeze Alan’s tail, the brunette letting out an uncontrolled moan. The bunny’s eyes went wide and Eric chuckled. “Nice boner yer goat there.”

 Alan jumped away from him. “I’m … sorry.”

 “Ugh.” Ronald rushed over to the drawers and pulled out a pair of Eric’s boxers, before lunging at Alan and sending them both crashing to the floor. “Put some fuckin’ underwear on!”

 “Get … off of me! Y … you’re being mean!”

 “I don’t want a rock hard cock bein’ flashed around, even if it’s barely big enough ta’ see.”

 “That’s cruel!”

 As Alan kicked out, the boxers were slid over his feet and up his legs. After much struggling for freedom, Alan found himself wearing something rather itchy. “W … what are these things?! T … they chafe!”

 “Ugh … stop moanin’ and keep them on. I’m sick of seein’ hairy balls.”

 “T … they’re not … that hairy.” Alan whimpered slightly. “S … stop being … horrible to me.” He sniffed loudly. “I … saved your life and … you’re treating me … like dirt.”

 “We didn’t need y’ help anyway!”

 “N … next time you … can just die then!” Alan’s chest began to heave in upset. “Y … you shouldn’t treat … a spirit animal with … disrespect.”

 Eric shifted closer, pulling Ronald off of Alan by the scruff of his collar. “Stop fightin’ yer two, we need tae figure oot a plan, don’ we?”

 “Yeah and then this little shit can piss back off ta’ tha’ mud bath he came from.”

 “Eh? Dae Deer take mud baths?”

 “Fuck if I know.”

 “Well ah doubt he wants tae be stuck aroond yer either.” Ronald’s pert – fat? – bottom hit the floor. “Righty then. Anyone goat any ideas fir this plan?”

 “E … Eric.” Alan whined, crawling across the floor to cling to his leg. “Y … you promised that you’d feed me and … this clothing … is so … itchy.”

 “Then take ‘em oaf an’ ge’ under tha’ covers.”

 “O … okay. And then you’ll … feed me?”

 “Sure will.”

 “Yay!” _I’m turning into such a pet._

 -----

 Just after 10pm that night, Ronald groaned. “This is useless. We can’t even come up wi’ a decent plan.”

 “No, you … just won’t listen to my plan ideas.” Alan huffed.

 “I’m not crashin’ my baby (Note! – he means his car) inta’ tha’ fuckin’ mutt!” Ronald growled. “I’d rather fuckin’ die!”

 “No … comment.”

 “Ugh … I’m goin’ ta’ bed.” Ronald got up off of the floor and contemplated telling Alan to make sure he had clothes on tomorrow when he arrived. _Eh … it’s not even worth it. Bambi is just going to go all whiney on me again._ “See y’ later.”

 “Bye.” Eric stated. Once the door was closed behind Ronald, Eric asked “wanna’ goo tae bed now?”

 “P … please.” Alan yawned softly, his newly changed deer tail tapping lightly against the floor under his bum.

 “Want any milk befir bed?”

 His eyes lit up. “Please!”

\-----

 The deer whined as the last drop of milk was swallowed, bottle being taken from him. Eric dropped it on the nightstand. “Yer cannae ‘ave anymore befir bed or yer won’t sleep.”

 “T … true.”

 “Cuddle?”

 Alan cocked his head to the side. “Cuddle?”

 “Aye, li’e a soft, long hug.”

 “To keep me warm?”

 “Aye an’ tae help yer sleep. Yer’ve had a rough day.”

 “Then … yes please.” Alan moved down in bed and as Eric shifted too, he snuggled into his side. “Hold … me?”

 Eric chuckled lightly. “Aye, ah was gunnae, be patient.”

 Strong arms wrapped around Alan and he sighed happily. _I know that … I have to go back to the forest once the Titan Hound is killed but … I like sleeping in a bed. I … love being in his arms._


	6. Limp.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Been trying to figure out photoshop for the last three days. Three attempts in order. Basically how Eric and Alan look in the series. Ignore the first link, it was an awful attempt but I just wanna' show Alan's deer ears.
> 
>  
> 
> [Double of Alan with Deer ears. First try at digital art. Meh.](http://xbertyx.deviantart.com/art/Doodle-Alan-Humphries-deer-592539588?ga_submit_new=10%253A1456196683)
> 
> [Neko Alan. Better attempt. ](http://xbertyx.deviantart.com/art/Neko-Alan-Humphries-592538985?ga_submit_new=10%253A1456196507)
> 
> [Eric Slingby. ](http://xbertyx.deviantart.com/art/Eric-Slingby-modern-592537992?ga_submit_new=10%253A1456196246)
> 
>  
> 
> Oh and a friend drew this for me. I found the writing rather funny:
> 
> [Lol](http://ust.chatango.com/um/x/b/xbertyx/img/l_126.jpg)

 The following morning, Eric let out a groan. He’d been struck by strong kicks multiple times in the night, Alan obviously having been itchy or been dreaming about galloping across open fields. Still, seeing the little deer fast asleep in his arms brought a large smile to his face.

 Alan obviously had some sense telling him that eyes were fixed on him, for he opened his own quickly. “Oh … morning, Eric.”

 “Mornin’. Yer sleep well?”

 “Hmm … the bed was nice. Not … as nice as my pile of leaves but … you’re really warm.”

 “So am ah better than a pile of leaves?”

 “Hmm … yes.” Alan stated, moving closer to Eric and licking his face in appreciation.

 “Al … fuck … tha’ tickles!”

 Alan pulled away and giggled. It was the cutest sound that Eric had ever heard. “Sorry.”

 “Na, it’s cool. Is tha’ hur deer show tha’ they like someone?”

 Alan nodded against the pillow slowly. “I … guess?”

 “Dae yer ken hur people show they li’e someun?”

 “They … propose to them?”

 Eric chuckled. “Maybe but that’s naw tha’ first thing. This is.” Eric closed the gap between their faces and pressed his lips to Alan’s. They were pulled away after a few moments, Eric listening for any sounds that Alan might make.

 “Hmm ….”

 “Yer li’e tha’?”

 “I … I … did.” Bambi-kun blushed slightly.

 “Grand.” Eric kissed him again, with more force this time. Alan moaned softly against his mouth, hips bucking forward slightly. Eric pulled him closer, feeling a growing Bambi-boner against his hip. He pulled away again, smirking. “Yer in fuckin’ heat or somethin’?”

 Alan’s cheeks glowed with more vibrancy. “I – no … idea. Sorry.”

 “Want ma tae take care of it?”

 “Y … you mean a bj?”

 “Aye, why naw.”

 “That … annoying friend of … yours is the one who owes me a bj, not you.”

 “He isn’t very gad aroond penis, trust ma.”

 Alan nodded slowly. “Then … if you want to … you can. I mean, it’s … throbbing … a little.”

 “Am ah tha’ gad of a kisser?”

 “Mmmm. So … k … kiss down there.”

 “Hah, kinky.”

 As Eric moved under the covers, there was a loud knock at the door, Ronald shouting “wake up!”

 Eric grumbled and slid back into cold air. “Tha’ un fuckin’ day he decides tae ge’ up early!”

 Alan giggled. “Y … you can bj me later, don’t … worry.”

 “Awesome. It’s probs fir tha’ best anyway.”

 “Excuse me?”

 “Yer dick probs need a good scrubbin’.”

 Alan’s salty stick instantly went limp. “Thanks Eric, really … thanks a lot.” _I do wash! I … I wash in the river in the woods every day!_

 Eric winked at him and got out of bed, moving to the door of the apartment and opening it. “Wha’ dae yer want, Knox?”

 Ronald rolled his eyes. “Well sorry if I interrupted y’ Bambi fuckin’ but we gotta’ figure out a plan, don’t we?”

 “Well … aye.”

 “Oh and I brought some snacks for tha’ wee lad.”

 Eric shot him a glare. “Dinnae take tha’ piss outta’ ma accent. Wee lad is ma line.”

 “Well … sorrrryyyyy.”

\------

 “Al, dae yer ‘ave tae eat li’e tha’?” Eric said as he eyed Alan chomping down on a full apple at a time.

 “S … sowwwi … hmm … huwgy.” Alan mumbled, mouth full.

 “So, anyone got any ideas for how ta’ take down Titan?” Ronald asked.

 “Whellll ….” Alan swallowed quickly. “I have any idea. I think that … I should distract the hound while … umm, Ronald is it?”

 “Yep.”

 “While Ronald attacks it with his salt sword.”

 “Ah ….”

 “No deal.” Eric stated. “Yer’ll ge’ yerself killed.”

 “Who?” Ronald asked.

 “Well … both of yer but ah was oon aboot Alan.”

 Ronald huffed. “I’m so … glad tha’ y’ care ‘bout me.”

 “Aye.”

 “Tha’ was fuckin’ sarcasm!”

 And once again, dear viewers, the two idiots and the horny animal have yet to agree on a plan. Maybe next time?


	7. A plan is hatched.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ronald drawing.
> 
> [Ronald Knox - human](http://xbertyx.deviantart.com/art/Human-Ronald-Knox-593076925?ga_submit_new=10%253A1456447332)
> 
>  

 It had taken two days for the three to come up with a plan. Guess what? They were still arguing over the niggling details. Ronald crossed his arms over his chest. “So if Bambi distracts him, wha’ are we suppose ta’ do? He’s the strongest one here. If we try ta’ attack this Titan, we’re gonna’ end up killed.”

 “But if you try to distract it, you will have more chance of dying.” Alan stated.

 “It’s pretty obvious wha’ we should dae.” Eric said. “While Alan’s goat tha’ thing’s attention, we need tae attack it from behind.”

 “How exactly?” Ronald huffed. “Tha’ things pretty tall. Y’ expect me ta’ jump on its back?”

 “Hah, doggy tha’ dog.”

 “Not like that!”

 “That’s exactly … what you are going to do.” Alan stated.

 “Excuse me?”

 “When we go into the woods -.”

 “We’re sure fir a big surprise.” Eric chuckled.

 Alan sighed, his ears drooping slightly. “You need to find a tree and climb it. Use that … sword of yours -.”

 “Y’ want me ta’ jump from a tree!?” Ronald gaped at him.

 “Yes. You can use … the drop to your advantage if … you aim it right.”

 “Pfft. Ronnie cannae even throw a dart.”

 “Oh.”

 “Shut up, Eric!” Ronald glared at him. “I’ll do it.”

 “You will?” Alan asked.

 “Yeah, I’ll prove this dick wrong.” He gestured to Eric.

 “O … okay.”

 “Wha’ am ah doin’ then?” Eric asked.

 “You get up another tree and make sure you have a lot of bullets.”

 “He’ll break tha’ branch.” Ronald stated.

 “Na, ah will naw.”

 “The branches are studier than they look.” Alan agreed. “So … if Ronald misses his attack or if I’m in trouble, you shoot … the Hound a few times and we can get … away.”

 “Alright – wait, hur am ah suppose tae ge’ doon tha’ tree?”

 “Y’ jump, dumb ass. I already said tha’.”

 “Exactly.” Alan said as he grabbed a piece of paper and a pencil. A quick sketch was made. Lifting it up, he said “this circle is where you need to … aim on the Hound’s neck.”

 “Alright.” Ronald stated.

 “Hey, ah might be able tae aim there wi’ ma bullets.” Eric grinned.

 “Let’s just … stick to the plan for now. The bullets might not be big enough to do enough damage to … its weak area. Oh that reminds me. Ronald, when you stab it, make sure you … twist the sword. We need to destroy as much … vital tissue as possible.”

 “Alright. So when are we doin’ this? Now?”

 The deer (seriously, I might stick to either human or deer as a name one day - hah, will I fuck) shook his head. “No. It’s getting late now … and we should get … as much rest as possible.”

 “Sounds gad.”

 “Yeah. Ugh … I need a drink if I’m gonna’ end up dead tomorrow. Night, guys.” Ronald slipped his shoes on and saw himself out.

 Bambi-boo yawned and stretched. “I’m … going for a bath.” SEE! SEE! HE DOES WASH! RONNIE, SHOVE YOUR PREVIOUS REMARKS UP YOUR ARSE!

 “Want ma tae come in wi’ yer?” Eric winked.

 Alan’s ears shot back into a strong upright position. “I’d like that but … can you warm the bed up for me?”

 “Aye, no bother.”

 “Thank you.”

\-----

 Human – deer came out of the bathroom and into the bedroom. He shook himself, small beads of water flicking from him. Eric rolled his eyes. “Yer could jus’ use a towel.”

 “I don’t like … cloth like material.”

 “But yer hair’s all wet. Yerr gunnae ge’ ma soaked too.”

 “Oh … well.” Alan smiled sweetly and Eric felt his pants grow tighter.

 “But yer dae look proper sexy all glistenin’ li’e tha’.”

 Bambi blushed slightly. “T … thank you.” He walked over to the bed and got under the covers. “You … still owe … me a bj, remember?”

 “Aye, ah dae. Tonight?”

 “P … please.”

 “Horny?”

 Alan nodded slowly. “I … guess I am … in the mood.”

 Eric smirked. “Aww … Bambi’s in heat.”

 “I … hate that nickname.”

 A chuckled left him. “Sorry.” He pulled Alan close and began to kiss down his neck, talking between pecks. “Let’s ge’ yer a Bambi- boner then.”

 Alan let out a soft moan. “Hmm … it won’t take long.” Eric’s kisses turned to light sucks. “Ahh … I’m getting … hard already.”

 Eric pulled away from the reddened skin. “Hah, tha’ was quick.”

 “I … I told you. Y … you’re really … nice looking and you … smell good.” (See, Eric washes too! Stupid Ronnie.)

 “Ah dae? Great!” A hand moved to palm against Alan’s growing erection.

 “Ah … ooh ….” His tail began to twitch quickly.

 “Anyone ever done this tae yer befir?”

 “N … no, apart … from myself.”

 Eric laughed again. “Dirty bugger.”

 “It is completely natural and – oh … hmm ….” Eric moved down slowly, tongue swirling around Alan’s nipple. “Nghh ….” Alan’s hips bucked forward into Eric’s hand. “Feels … so nice.” Eric took him into his hand, pumping him slowly. “Nhhh …. Ahhh ….”

 “Yer li’e tha’?” Eric asked as he sunk lower, kissing down Alan’s stomach.

 “I … do.” Alan’s eyes squeezed shut as he felt Eric’s tongue run over his slit. “Ah … ah ….” Eric’s tongue began to swirl around him, hand shifting to squeeze his balls. “Oh … nnn … bjs … are nice.”

 _Aye, I’ve been told I give good ones._ Eric took him into his mouth, moving back and forth over him.

 “Hmm … m … more.”

 Eric obeyed, shifting forward to deep throat him. He could feel Alan throbbing against his tongue. Alan’s hips bucked again, his ears making tiny fleeting movements. Eric’s hand moved again to Alan’s bottom and he pulled the deer closer.

 “Oh … E … Eric. I … I’m getting … close already.” Bambi could feel his stomach tightening more with every movement of Eric’s mouth.

 _Aye, I bet you are._ Eric heard Alan cry out loudly a minute later, liquid hitting the back of his throat. He swallowed quickly and moved back up onto the pillow, arm wrapping around Alan’s waist. “Ah enjoyed tha’.”

 “S … so did I.” Alan yawned. “It’s made me sleepy.”

 “Then sleep.” Eric pecked him on the forehead.

 “Eric?”

 “Aye?”

 “Is it too soon to … say that I love … you?”

 “Aye, yerr probs jus’ sayin’ tha’ because ah had ma mouth aroond yerr dick.”

 “N … no.”

 “Yer love ma anyway?”

 “Since … the first night … I slept in your arms.” Alan blushed brightly. “Oh gosh … that’s so cheesy.”

 “Na, ah li’e it.” Eric paused for a moment. “Yer mean love ma as in … human kinda’ love?”

 “Yes.”

 “Then ah love yer a wee bit too.”

 “Y … you do?”

 “Aye. Wi’ those cute wee ears, hur couldn’t ah?”

 “Now … that really is cheesy.”

\------

 The next morning, everyone piled into the Impala, Ronald with his sword and Eric with his gun and spare bullets. The drive over to the forest was quiet, everyone anxious for what was about to happen.

 The car pulled up on the very edge of the forest, meaning that they could have a quick escape if needed. “You two need to take your positions quickly … before the Hound has a chance to … see you.”

 “Wha’ ‘bout y’?” Ronald asked.

 “I’ll wait for you to take your positions and then start making noise. The Hound will … surely come to me quickly.” Bambi was dressed in human clothing and would mask his ears and tail, making it appear as though he was a real human. “It … probably won’t take long for the demon to realise that I’m the deer he fought … a few days ago. As soon as you … get a good shot of its neck, you need to attack.”

 “We will.” Eric stated. “Dinnae want yer gettin’ hurt again.”

 “Y’ ready?” Ronald asked.

 “Yes.” Alan pecked Eric on the cheek and then whispered in his ear. “Be careful. I don’t … want to lose you.”

 “Aye.”

\-----

 Positions were taken, Ronald on a branch of one tree. Eric was perched in the tree across from Ronald’s. Alan groaned softly and scratched his crotch. Damn underwear was itching him like crazy. _Oh … no, it’s here already._ Before Alan could even make any commotion, the devil dog appeared and raced towards the deer in human’s clothing.

 Ronald tried to move into position, only for his fat ass to cause the branch to snap. He hit the ground with a loud thud, the devil dog turning to bore into him with its eyes. “Oh … fuckin’ hell!”


	8. Well, that was a fucking fail.

 There was a loud growl as Alan transformed into a large woof, the clothes being torn to shreds in his transformation. Eric groaned under his breath. _Oh man … I liked that shirt. Thanks, Alan._

 The grey wolf pounced onto the demon’s back, claws digging into rotten flesh. Ronald got to his feet quickly, looking from side to side. The fall has disorientated him a little. Finally, his eyes fixed up on the branch Eric was standing on. “Eric, we gotta’ ge’ outta’ here!”

 The blonde let out a grunt. _Thanks Knox, it knows where I am now._ As if on cue, the devil dog, still with Alan clinging to its back, raced towards Eric’s tree, smacking against the trunk harshly.

 “Oh … shite!” Eric didn’t fall from the tree. No, the trunk snapped like a twig at the site of impact, rest of the tree toppling backwards. Eric gasped as it crashed against the debris of the forest floor, winded.

 Having located both of its prey, the Titan Hound shook itself and then swung its hips and back from side to side vigorously. Alan’s claws made deep scratches down its back as he lost his grip, being flung against a tree. He was soon back onto his four paws, charging towards the devil dog as it was about to head for Ronald. With great force, he knocked the dog sideways to the ground, claws ripping into it at an astonishing pace. _It’s no good. My … nails aren’t long enough to penetrate down to its weak spot._

 Before Alan could consider transforming into a different animal, one which would meet his needs, the devil dog’s sharp claws slashed against his side and he let out a yelp.

 Eric looked down at himself, a little dazed, and realised that he’d lost his gun. “Shite, shite!” His eyes darted around but he couldn’t see it. Slowly and carefully, he climbed out of the wreckage of the tree and called out to Ronald. “Mate, yerr right. We need tae ge’ outta’ here. Abort mission!”

 Ronald’s response surprised him. “I know, but wha’ ‘bout Bambi?”

 Eric turned to face the fighting supernatural animals and his heart sank. The demon had the wolf’s ankle locked between its jaws and was flinging him around like a rag doll. Flesh was ripped away by the force, Alan thrown against another tree.

 Without thinking, Eric closed the gap between him and Ronald with haste, ripping the sword from his grip. He rushed towards the devil dog, anger rising within him. _Don’t you dare hurt him!_ Ronald took the opportunity to near Alan, who had now slipped back into his deer – human form. He was unconscious from the impact against the tree, bottom portion of his leg missing.  

 The sword was shoved into the belly of the dog as it turned its piercing eyes to Eric. A scream – one that was too high pitched to belong to either human or dog – left the demon.

 Ronald looked down at the mangled mess of flesh and splintered bone. He pulled a disgusted face before he picked Alan up and flung him over his shoulder. _Eww … gross. Poor bastard._

 The sword was twisted in Eric’s rage, his teeth clenched. A paw flung out at him, tearing into his chest and sending him flying backwards. As his back hit the ground, he let out a choking sound. Still, the salt on the sword seemed to have worked somewhat, the dog letting out another piercing scream as it thrashed around, trying to dislodge the weapon.

 Ronald rushed over to Eric. “Come on, ge’ up. We need ta’ ge’ out of here while it’s distracted,” he spluttered out. “Can y’ walk?”

 Eric sat up slowly, his wounds bleeding heavily. With effort and much shaking, he got to his feet. “A … aye.”

 They rushed as quickly as they could to Ronald’s Impala and Alan was placed down on the back seat, Eric climbing in next to him. Ronald was quickly in the driver’s seat and the car sped away, the two tone haired hunter not wanting the devil dog to have a chance to follow them. The car soon hit a speed of eighty miles per hour. God help them all if they got arrested by the police. Haha, can you imagine the look on the officer’s face at seeing the state Alan and Eric were in? Plus … deer ears? WTf!?

 Eric reached out a hand to shake Alan roughly, other hand pressed against his chest. “Al … come oon, wake oop.” Bambi didn’t stir. “Shite … stay wi’ ma, please.” The hand moved up, stroking through Alan’s hair. _I can’t lose you._

 “How’s he doin’?” Ronald asked, eyes still firmly fixed on the road, which was slightly blurred due to the speed his car was racing down it.

 “Eh … naw gad. E’s startin’ tae convulse again.”

 “Tha’ saliva again?”

 “Ah think so.”

\------

 They reached the apartment block in minutes and Alan was lifted over Ronald’s shoulder again, Eric wobbling slightly behind him as they entered Eric’s apartment. “Ah … dinnae feel so gad.”

 “Y’ need ta’ stop tha’ bleedin’.” Ronald stated. “I’ll run a salt bath for Bambi. Y’ ge’ tha’ first aid kit.”

 “Aye … alright.”

 Alan was taken into the bathroom and put into the empty tub, Ronald running the water and making sure that it wasn’t boiling. Salt was soon added to the liquid.

 Eric came in a minute or so later, winching in pain. “It’s … naw stoopin’.” A thick white towel was pressed to his chest.

 “Tha’ bleedin’?” Ronald asked.

 “Aye.”

 Alan began to stir slightly, the salt water cleansing his stump of a wound. “Hnnn ….” His eyes squeezed shut tightly, the salt stinging his injury harshly.

 “How y’ feelin’, mate?” Ronald asked.

 “I’m … not your friend.” Alan breathed. “We … hate each other.”

 “Hey, don’t be like tha’. I carried y’ outta’ there when y’ got injured.”

 “Y … you did?”

 “Yeah and y’ fuckin’ heavy for someone so small.” He received a glare. “But … but, y’ saved me too so thanks.”

 “It’s my duty to save humans.”

 Ronald nodded. “But a few ‘ave already died. Y’ could ‘ave jus’ let me slip through tha’ net as well if y’ wanted ta’.”

 “T … true, I guess.”

 “So come on, warm up ta’ me a bit.” A hand stretched out, rubbing the back of Alan’s ear.

 “Hmm … okay.” The hand picked up speed. “Ahhh ….” His feet – foot, whoops, singular (bad xbertyx) – kicked out.

 “Oi, stoop tha’!” Eric let out a grunt of jealously.

 Ronald flinched back and Alan looked over at him, eyes widening. A gasp was heard. “E … Eric, you’re hurt.”


	9. Bang, bang, bang.

 Ronald looked between them. “Uh huh, Eric went all out ragin’ on woofy when it hurt y’.”

 “R … really?” Alan asked.

 “Aye … ah … ah wanted tae protect yer.” Eric admitted.

 “But now he can’t ge’ his wound ta’ stop bleedin’.” Ronald sighed. “Anythin’ y’ can think of ta’ help him before he bleeds out?”

 “Tha’ isn’t funny!” Eric shot him a glare and wobbled slightly. “Ah … ah’ll be fine.”

 “N … no, you won’t.” Alan stated, sitting up properly in the tub. “Humans can’t heal at all from wounds left by Titan Hounds.”

 “G … great, so ah’m a … goner?” Eric pressed the towel tightly against his wound, as if it would somehow help him.

 “Nope.” Alan smiled slightly. “But you’re going to have to … drink my blood.”

 “Eww … wha’?”

 “I have … special healing properties, you know that. You can obtain them for a short while by drinking … my bodily fluids.”

 “Does it ‘ave tae be blood though?”

 “Well … I guess not.” Alan blushed slightly. “But it would be … kind of weird if you … gave me a bj again while my foot was still … gushing blood.”

 “Y’ did wha’?” Ronald looked between them again. “When?!”

 “Dinnae matter. Hmm … would spit work?”

 Alan nodded. “Yup.”

 “Gad.” Eric drew closer to the tub and bent down. Alan tilted his head up, lips pressing to Eric’s.

 Ronald groaned as spit exchanged commenced – fucking gross. As the kiss (tongue thing) ceased, he asked “so Bambi, y’ foot’s gonna’ grow back, right?”

\------

***10.55pm***

 Turns out that it would, as by 7pm that night, Alan had a nice new foot, complete with all five toesies. Eric’s wounds had also healed some time ago, though the healing powers had now worn off. Ronald walked to the door. “Well I’m off, see y’ tomorrow, love birds.”

 “Night.” Eric gave him a quick wave from his position lying next to Bambi on the bed.

 Once the annoying little shit had left, Alan turned to Eric. “L … love birds?”

 “Aye … it’s jus’ a sayin’.”

 “Oh ….”

 “But ah dae love yer.”

 “Just a wee … bit though.” Alan stated.

 “No, ah dinnae think so.”

 “Oh?”

 Eric scratched his chin as he admitted “ah was so scared when ah thought … tha’ ah’d lost yer.”

 “When ….?”

 “Yer were passed oat in tha’ car. Ah could naw wake yer oop. Ah … thought tha’ yer’d never wake oop.”

 “Oh … I’m sorry for scaring you ….”

 “So aye, ah … love yer more than ah thought ah did befir.”

 “You … really do love me?”

 “Aye,” he turned over onto his side to face Alan, “ah … love yer so much.”

 “I love you a lot too.” Eric shifted to kiss his check before working slowly down to his jaw. “Hmm ….” A hand reached out, moving around Alan’s hips and giving his tail a gentle squeeze. “Ahh … you … really like … my tail, don’t you?”

 “Ah li’e all of yer.” Lips met Alan’s own, Eric pressing his tongue into Alan’s mouth as he slipped his arm up, pulling Alan closer.

 Alan’s hips began to buck against Eric’s, moans being muffled against Eric’s mouth. _Oh … an erection already._ Eric seemed to have noticed as his other hand slid down between them, taking hold of Alan and moving against him slowly. Alan pulled back and groaned “n … not there.”

 “Yer dinnae li’e it?”

 “I do … but … please, not there ….”

 “Eh … where then?”

 His hand was pulled from Alan’s back and down his bum. “H … here.”

 “Inside?” Eric blinked at him.

 “P … please.”

 A smirk fell upon Eric’s lips. “Yerr a naughty Bambi. Ah li’e it.”

 “I … I want to mate with you,” Alan breathed, his hips wriggling in impatience, “please.”

 “Hah, that’s a weird term.” The hand moved again so that Eric could lick his fingers before it was moved back down to Alan’s rear. “But aye, ah wanna’ dae tha’ too.”

 “G … good.” A wet digit slipped inside of him. “Hnnn ….”

 “Does it hurt?”

 “N … no.”

 “Gad.” Eric began to move the finger in and out of him, loving the small groans that Alan was making. “Yerr so cute, babe.”

 Alan’s nose wrinkled slightly, eyes squeezing shut and ears twitching. “M … more.”

\-----

 Three fingers were pulled from Alan and Eric rolled him onto his back, pulling his own clothes off with haste. The blonde was soon between his legs, spitting into his hand and lubing himself up. Alan’s legs were grabbed and pushed back, Eric pressing his tip to Alan’s entrance. “Yer ready?”

 “Yes … hurry … up, please ….” Eric pushed inside of him slowly and Alan cried out. “O … ohhhh.”

 “Nice?” Eric groaned out, trying to keep still.

 “Y … yes. It … hurts a bit but … it feels nice too.”

 “Want ma tae carry on?”

 “P … please.” Eric began to move within him. “Nhgg … ahhh ….”

 “God babe, yer … feel so gad.”

\------

 Eric thrust into him deeply, grunting loudly as he came hard inside of Bambi. The deer was panting heavily, erection throbbing harshly. As Eric dropped his legs, they clamped around his upper arms and flung him around onto his back. Damn … what a strong Bambi.

 Alan shifted and swung a leg over Eric, sitting on his chest. “Can … we do that again?”

 “Aye, yer wanna’ be oon toop?”

 “Yes.”

 “Hnn … ah’m gettin’ hard again already.”

 “Good.” Alan reached a hand behind him, pumping Eric back into full hardness. “Are … you ready?”

 “Aye!”

 The deer nodded and shifted back, rising up onto his knees and then sinking down onto Eric. “Hmm … so … good.” As he swallowed Eric up whole, he began to rock back and force at a fast pace, head being thrown back. “Hnn ….”

 “Fuck … that’s … amazin’.”

 “Hmm ….”

 The force that Alan rode him made Eric groan in ecstasy. “Oh … shite, yer … goat some weird ass moves.”

 “Hmm … I know.” Alan placed a hand behind him on Eric’s thigh and bounced up and down madly. What an animal. (O_o) His tail clenched tightly as he came, liquid shooting onto Eric’s stomach. “Nnahhh!”

 Eric thrust deeply up into him, his orgasm coming within a minute or so. “Ah … Al!” _Damn … I didn’t fucking last long that time._

 He let himself come down before rolling him off, Alan coming to a stop on his side. He moved again and pulled Alan’s legs open, nestling between them and sliding back into him again. The thrusts were deep and powerful. “F … fuckin’ hell!”

 “Ohh … Eric!”

\----

 Oh boy, was Eric in for a surprise tomorrow morning. (Winky face.)


	10. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

 It was just after noon when Eric awoke, having been kicked by the sleeping Bambi. He grumbled and snuggled closer to him, arm wrapping around Alan’s middle. His eyes went wide, not because he’d just received a vicious backwards kick to the shin but because Alan’s stomach was … big?

 Thinking that someone had smuggled ecstasy into his late night coffee, he moved his hand, running it from the bottom of Alan’s stomach, up and over a large curve. “Wha’ tha’ hell?” The covers were ripped back, Alan whining in his sleep at the cold air. Eric sat up and stared down at him. There was a large bump of pale flesh joined to where Alan’s concave stomach once was. He looked nine month’s pregnant – wait, what?

 Eric shook him awake. “Al, yer kinda’ goat fat oover night.”

 Alan groaned and opened his eyes slowly. “I’m pregnant, you idiot.”

 “WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!”

 “Pregnant. You know … with your baby.”

 “HUH?!?!”

 “We mated. What … did you expect?”

 “Ah dinnae think tha’ yer meant it literally!”

 Alan rolled over and sat up slowly, the baby weight making the movement an effort. “So … you don’t want her then?”

 “Her?”

 “It’s a girl … Eric, I can tell.”

 “Oh … cool.”

 “Do you want to be her father or not?”

 “Dinnae ask me tha’ so soon! Hur am ah ‘spose tae ken? Ah’ve only jus’ found oat tha’ yerr pregnant!”

 “Hmm … I guess it doesn’t matter either way. I … can take care of her myself.”

 “But … yer cannae take her back tae tha’ forest until we’ve killed tha’ demon dog. It’s naw safe!”

 “So … you do care?”

 “Aboot yer, aye.”

 “But not about her?”

 Eric groaned. “Well … she’s my kid, isn’t she? Ah cannae jus’ piss oaf and let yer look after her on yerr own fir eighteen years. Ah jus’ wish yer’d ‘ave told ma befir ah jumped in bed wi’ yer.”

 “Eighteen days, not years.”

 “Yer wha’?”

 “Ughhh … you don’t know anything about my kind, do you?”

 “No … an’ hur tha’ hell does a boy ‘ave a baby?”

 “I have lady parts inside … too.”

 “Oh ….”

 “And our children age more quickly. A day for every human year.”

 “Shite, does tha’ mean -.”

 “I’ll be going into labour … about 5pm, yes.”

 “Fuck ….”

 “But don’t worry, you won’t have to do anything. I … know what to do.”

 “But … yer’ve never been pregnant befir, right? Wasn’t tha’ yerr first time doin’ it?”

 “Yes but it’s maternal instinct … I guess.”

 “Ah see.” Eric pondered for a moment. “So … yerr baby’s gunnae ‘ave an inside dick?”

 “No. Just the men … have inside lady organs. Girls can carry children anyway.”

 “Oh … so yer jus’ goo aroond bangin’ each other?”

 “Pretty much, though we can mate … with humans too. We are part human.”

 Eric chuckled, trying to relieve some of his inner tension. “Dae yer mate li’e deer?”

 “Ouch, no! Do you even know how … deer mate? It … seems painful.”

 “Eh … ah dinnae goo aroond watchin’ Bambi porn.”

 “That’s a good … thing. We do … have a mating ritual though.”

 “Ahhh … so that’s why yer was bouchin’ oop an’ down li’e a mad man?”

 “Yep.”

 “Man … ah’m really gunnae be a Daddy?”

 “Yes, if you want to be.”

 Eric shifted to peck Alan on the cheek before saying “ah love yer, of course ah’m gunnae help look after her.”

 “That’s great … Eric.” Alan moved from the bed carefully, stretching his arms up. “My back … really hurts.”

 “Back massage?”

 “Please.”

\-------

 Half an hour or so later, Eric’s phone beeped. Alan was cuddled against his chest in bed and he reached out an arm, grabbing his phone off of the nightstand. He’d received a text from Ronald, so he opened the message.

_Ugh … I’m not coming over today. I’m hungover and my ass hurts (think I got into a mixed gender orgy last night – there’s some chick passed out on the floor). I’ll see you tomorrow._

 Eric texted back, deciding against telling Ronald that’d he’d got the little innocent deer pregnant. _Alright, you have a nice, relaxing day. Oh and check that that chick still has a pulse or that could get messy._

 A quick message came back to him. _A pulse? Ahaha, she’s not dead. Oh … wait, shit._ And then another a few moments later. _She’s alive! Phewwww. Take care xxx_

 Ugh, Ronald and his need to cyber kiss everyone.

\----

 ***4.45pm***

 Alan hadn’t long finished an apple meal when he sat up in bed sharply and whimpered. His bump was huge now and he’d told Eric that Spirit babies tended to be slightly larger and further developed than human ones. He’d also be giving birth to a baby that looked human, not deer, though he wasn’t sure if she’d have ears and a tail so soon.

 “Yer okay?” Eric asked.

 “C … contraction.”

 Eric’s hand moved to rub his back as he began to panic. “S … shite, dae yer want ma tae dae anythin’ fir yer?”

 “G … get a towel … this is going to … be mes – hnn ….”

 “Towel, right, right.” Eric disappeared for a moment and when he came back into the bedroom, Alan was pacing back and forth, one hand on his back and the other on his stomach. “Shouldn’t yer be lyin’ down?”

 “Who’s … the one in pain here?”

 “Ahh … sorry.”

 “Yes.” Alan ripped the towel away from him with a grunt and continued to pace. It wasn’t long before his waters broke and he let out a whine, holding a towel to his entrance as the liquid trickled out.

 “Is this gunnae be over quick?” Eric asked.

 “Yes or … she’s going to be too big for … me to push out.”

 “Oh … eww.”

 “Be quiet” Alan grumbled as he moved back onto the bed and lay on his side. “This … is your fault too … so you can’t get all grossed out on me.”

 “Ah’ll ge’ grossed oat if ah wanna’.”

 “Hnn … wimp.”

\------

 Alan shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his contractions now coming one right after the other. Looking up at Eric, he saw the human staring at him. “W … what is … it, Eric?” _What stupidity is going to come out of his mouth this time?_

 “Eh … yerr bein’ kinda’ quiet sayin’ yerr in labour? Aren’t yer ‘spose tae scream a bit??”

 “If … I did that in the … forest … it would attract predators. I … can’t protect her … right after labour.”

 “Too exhausted?”

 “Y … yes, obviously. Plus … screaming is … un-undignified.”

 “Then it cannae be as painful as women make oat.”

 “Shut up! I … I’m in agony!” Alan gripped at his stomach. “I … I need to … push.”

 “Oh … oh right. Want ma tae catch her as she poops oat?”

 “N … no. She’s … got a soft … landing.”

 “But -.”

 “She’s hardy! Just … cuddle … me, I … feel cold.”

 “Eh … alright.” Eric lay down and pulled Alan’s leg around his side before shifting closer. “This position alright?”

 “It … doesn’t … matter. It … hurts r-regardless.”

 “Oh -.”

 “Hnnn!” Alan whimpered as he began to push with his contraction.

 Eric’s hand moved around him to rub the deer’s back, lover’s instinct kicking in. “It’s okay, babe, it’ll be oover in a wee while.”

 “Nnn ….” Alan gripped onto his shirt and nudged Eric’s chin up with his head, pressing his face into the space created. Tears burned in his eyes. “Ah … hgnnn.”

 “Jus’ keep pushin’, Al.”

 “H … hurts.”

 “Ah ken.”

 “Y … y … you don’t.” His gripped tightened as he continued with his pushes. “S … she’s … coming.”

 “G … gad.” Eric began to feel butterflies in his stomach. “Dae yer think ah’ll make a gad Dad?”

 “Hnn ….” _I don’t care right now!_ Bambi let out a small cry as his daughter’s shoulders were passed.

 Within a few moments, Eric heard a small thud and then crying. “S ... she’s here?”

 “Y … yes.” Alan pulled his hands away from the shirt and reached behind him. Their daughter was lifted up, small ears and tail on show.

 “Should ah ge’ another towel?”

 “For … what?”

 “Tae clean her?”

 “No.” Alan placed her at his side and then turned over to face her. The umbilical cord was ripped in two with his bare hands before he shifted down, biting the cord just above her belly button. He then quickly spat it out.

 “E … eww, should yer really dae it li’e tha’?”

 “We don’t have scissors in the forest and she can’t die of infection, it’s fine.” He began to lick the slimy substance from her and it took all of Eric’s effort not to barf on the spot.

  _Hmm ... it tastes okay._

“Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.”

 _It’s perfectly natural, Eric, stop being so squeamish._ Once all areas were licked clean, Alan moved her closer to him to keep her warm, hand placing on her back.

 “Can ah hold her?” Eric asked.

 “Let her feed first.”

 “Oh shite, ah need tae ge’ milk and -.”

 “My chest has swollen for a reason.”

 “Oh … oh gross!”

 The baby latched onto Alan’s nipple and began to suck slowly. “She needs to feed for quite some time.” Alan said sleepily. “You … can hold her in a couple of hours.”

 Ah yes, Eric was quite obviously going to be scarred for life.


	11. Origin.

 It was almost midnight by the time that the baby pulled away from Alan’s chest. “Hmm … you can hold her now if you want.” Alan said before promptly falling to sleep.

 “Sweet!” Eric bent over him and lifted up the wriggling baby. She didn’t look like a new born now, more like three – four months old. “Hello wee lass.” Eric smiled and his child gurgled at him. “Hur aboot if we goo an’ ge’ yer in tha’ bath, eh?” He took the extra wriggling as a yes.

\------

 The baby was dried off and wrapped in a blanket before Eric took her back into the bedroom. Alan was awake now, though he looked doped up, eyes half lidded and sleepy smile on his face. “H … hey Eric.”

 “Hur are yer feelin’?”

 “L … like I’ve been hit by a vehicle.”

 “Oh … well tha’ does happen tae Babmis a lot.”

 “B … be quiet, idiot.”

 “Hah, sorry.” Eric looked around and pulled a face. “We really need tae ge’ this place cleaned up an’ then ah’m gooin’ tae ge’ her some nappies.”

 “Nappies … umm why?”

 “Because ah’m naw lettin’ her shite all over ma bedroom!”

 “But it’s natural -.”

 “No, no way in hell! Yer use tha’ toilet when yer here. Same goes fir her.”

 “Well … okay then.”

 “So … wha’ animal is she exactly?”

 “A Chibaroo Monkey.”

 “A wha’?”

 “An extinct kind of monkey.”

 “Oh … yer lot can change intae extinct animals?”

 “Yes. When people think that they’ve … seen an animal thought to be extinct, it’s normally just a … spirit animal instead.”

 “Oh … li’e when someone saw un of those prehistoric fish?”

 “That’s a big word for you, Eric, and I have … no idea what you’re talking about … but probably.”

\-------

 The bedroom had been cleaned and dirty sheets disposed of by around 1.30am. Eric had then walked to a twenty four hour ASDA supermarket to buy nappies, nappy cream and talcum powder. When he returned, he quickly put his child into a nappy and asked “wha’ we gunnae call her?”

 “I’ll … let you decide.”

 “Really?”

 “Yes, she’s your child too.”

 “Okay, hur aboot Lexi?”

 “Hmm … that’s fine.”

 “Really?”

 “Yes.”

 “Grand!” As he lifted Lexi to his chest, she began to cry. “Oh, what’s tha’ matter, wee girly?”

 “She … needs feeding again.”

 “Oh … oh gross!”

\------

 As his daughter finished her feed, which was shorter this time, Eric asked. “So … wha’ animals are yerr parents?”

 “Excuse me?” Alan rested his daughter down on the bed to let her sleep and looked at Eric.

 “Yerr parents were spirit animals too, right?”

 “No.”

 “Eh … but yer said tha’ they could breed -.”

 “A slightly larger population of us … is a good thing for human protection. We … don’t harm the environment and we don’t eat … more than we have to. But that’s not … how most of us … were created.”

 “Oh, then I wanna’ hear how yer came aroond.”

 “The banshee.”

 “Wha’?”

 “It is said that if … you go down to the woods at night and you are pure of heart, the banshee will appear to you, singing … the softest of songs.” Alan suddenly burst into song. “Kaze wa takishi wo, salie, hito woo kakoro wa ubaru.”

 “Wha’ language is tha’ in?”

 “No language spoken by man. She will then ask a request … of you. Protect the forest from demons or … spend life as a mere mortal.”

 “Shite, yerr tellin’ me tha’ yer were human once?”

 “Yes, I was a human over five hundred years ago but I can’t remember … anything about that life. I’m really thankful to the banshee for … offering me this life. It really has been … lovely living amongst the animals.”

 “Ohh … so that’s hur it happened.”


	12. Sascha.

 Noon came and Lexi was currently nursing from Alan, though she’d also been eating pots of baby food that Eric had brought for her. The door was knocked on and Eric groaned as he went to answer it. _Shite. I bet that’s Ronnie. What am I supposed to tell him?!_ The door was unlocked and pulled open. “Hey mate. Goat oover yerr hangoover now?”

 “Yeah.” Ronald grinned at him. “I don’t ‘ave a fuckin’ clue how much I drank though. Must ‘ave been like ten beers and two bottles of vodka.”

 Eric chuckled. “Ah’m surprised tha’ yerr still alive.”

 “Hah, I know.” Ronald brushed passed him and headed for the bedroom. “Bambi still asleep?”

 “Eh … no.” _Shite, shite, shite._

 “Bet he’s not up though. I don’t ge’ him; he moans tha’ it’s cold out of tha’ bed but he doesn’t stick any clothes on. How does he cope in tha’ wild?”

 “Well ‘es full oon fury then.”

 “Oh yeah.” Ronald pushed the door open to the bedroom and walked in. “Ge’ up, lazy – wha’ tha’ hell?!”

 Alan pulled his gaze away from his daughter and glared at Ronald. “Ronnie … give me some privacy. I’m trying … to feed -.”

 “I can fuckin’ see tha’! Eric, wha’ tha’ hell?!”

 “Umm … ah kinda’ ave a wee daughter now.”

 “Y’ fuckin’ knocked Bambi up?! Dirty fuckin’ perv!”

\-------

 Ronald had eventually got his head around Eric banging Bambi and two days had passed. Lexi had just hit the three day (year) mark and she resembled Alan, bar the blonde hair. She rushed over to Ronald. “Aunty … Ronnie.”

 “Uncle. I’m a guy!”

 “Aunty.” She pouted and crossed her arms over her chest. “Don’t be mean.”

 “Ugh … fine.” He gave her a small pat on the head. “Wha’ do y’ want?”

 “Come and play with me!” Her tail swung from side to side. “Please!”

 “Alright -.” Ronald’s phone began to buzz in his pocket and he whipped it out, seeing that he had a Skype call. “Oh crap, it’s Faustus.”

 Eric sat down at his side. “Wha’ does he want?”

 “Dunno.” Ronald pulled a face. Whenever their boss called, good things never came of it. He accepted the call and an image of a pissed off looking Claude flashed up on the screen. “Eh … hey.” Ronald flashed him a small smile. “What’s up?”

 “I assume that you have destroyed that beast, saying that you seem to be relaxing quite nicely.” He glared at the two hunters.

 “Uh … well y’ see -.”

 “You have failed!?”

 “Umm … no.” Eric said. “We jus’ had a wee setback.”

 “A set back? You have been in that location for almost a week! Get your act together!”

 “We’re tryin’. This demon is a hard fucker tae kill.”

 “Well I advise you to hurry up and kill it. Do you want me to fire you?”

 “No! We’re tryin’ tae come oop wi’ a plan. Jus’ give us a few more days.”

 “Weeks.” Ronald corrected. “This thing is deadly. We’ve nearly been killed a few times.”

 “That just proves how idiotic you are. Find it and destroy it before I annihilate you both instead.”

 The two hunters gulped. “Aye Sir.” “Yes Sir.”

 A smirk flashed across Claude’s face. “Excellent. Do not disappoint me, boys.” The call was ended there.

 Ronald shuddered. “Ugh … tha’ guy gives me tha’ creeps.”

 “Aye, proper Mr Burns character there.”

 “Doh!”

\------

 That night, Eric was cuddling his daughter as a means to help her get off to sleep. “Al, wha’re we ‘sposed tae dae?”

 “About … what?” Alan asked.

 “This demon. We haven’t goat much time left tae kill it now.”

 “I’m not sure. Lexi can help us but she needs to be … a little more grown first. She needs to be able to control her powers.”

 “Hur long’s tha’ gunnae take?”

 “She needs to … be at least ten.”

 “Shite, ah cannae wait another week! Ah dinnae wanna’ ge’ fired an’ ah defo dinnae want tha’ creep gettin’ ‘is hands oon ma.”

 “Your boss?”

 “Aye.”

 “Don’t worry about … him. Send him some files … explaining why the demon is so hard to kill.”

 “So now ah need tae write a report?!”

 “It can’t hurt.”

 “Ughhhh – oh.” Eric looked down at his daughter, who had shrunk down to the size of her animal form. “Er … is tha’ normal?”

 Alan took a look at Lexi. “Yes. We can mimic any aspect of our chosen animal.”

 “Aww … that’s well cute.” Eric lifted her up, his daughter now sitting into the palm of his hand. “Ah … goat an idea.”

 “Hmm?”

\-----

 Five minutes later, a small box used to store one of Eric’s guns had been retrieved, emptied out and then filled with ripped up newspaper. Eric placed his daughter into the box and moved it a few feet away from the radiator to keep her warm. Lexi snuggled down into the shredded newspaper. “Al, ah think she likes it.”

 “She’s not a pet, Eric!”

 “Ah ken tha’ but ah dinnae wanna’ squash her in tha’ night.”

 “She’s hardy!”

 “But ah’m fuckin’ heavy!”

 Alan sighed. _At least he cares for her wellbeing. He might be an idiot but he’s a good person and I still love him._ “O … okay, we’ll keep her in there just for tonight.”

 “Sweet!”

\------

 Another day had passed and Ronald was currently trying to write up a report about the Titan Hound. _Ugh … why do I get stuck with all the shitty tasks? Eric, y’ wanker._

 “Oh.” Alan dropped his apple to the floor.

 Eric gazed at him. “Yer alright, Al?”

 “I … I just thought of someone who might be able … to help us.”

 “Who?”

 “There’s a spirit animal in the north part of the forest. She might be able … to help us kill this demon.”

 “I’m not fuckin’ goin’ back in there!” Ronald huffed. “Y’ want ta’ kill us off?”

 “I … don’t think that … the Titan Hound has been to the north part. There’s a river cutting the forest in half.”

 “So hur dae yer ken aboot this animal spirit then?”

 Alan rolled his eyes. “I’m a strong swimmer, Eric.”

 “Tha’ demon could be too!”

 “There’d be no reason for it to go into that part. It isn’t very accessible to humans. It used to be … but the trees to the one side of the north part have grown a lot in the last couple of … hundred years. Plus, you cut the other access point off with a motorway.”

 “So … this spirit animal has it pretty easy now, huh?”

 “She has to kill the demons that appear in … her area but protecting humans isn’t a high priority for her anymore. Last time I spoke to her, she’d not seen a human for two months.”

 “Hur long ago was tha’?”

 “Fifty years.”

 “Oh ….”

\-------

 Eric, Ronald and Alan got out of the Impala on the hard shoulder of the motorway, Eric carrying Lexi against his hip. They jumped over the barrier and made their way through thick bushes and trees, Ronald falling flat on his face a couple of times. Finally, they came upon a rocky clearing. “So … wha’ animal is she?” Eric asked.

 “A rabbit.”

 “Shite, she’s gunnae be hard tae find.”

 “No … I can sense her, she’s close.” He picked up the pace and began to call “Sascha, Sascha!”

 Quickly, a cute wee bunny hopped over to him, transforming into a human with bunny ears and a tail. “Hey Al.” She smiled at him.

 Ronald blinked at her. “T … Tits.” His eyes trailed down. “Oooh ….”

 Eric turned to him. “Umm … Ronnie, yerr nose is bleedin’.”

 “… Shit!”


	13. Shave.

 Alan rolled his eyes at Ronald and then turned back to Sascha. “Sash, have you been … sensing anything strange as of late?”

 “Nope, why?”

 “There’s a really strong demon in the south of the forest.”

 “Ooooh.” She giggled. “My demon radar must be crapping out.”

 “Hmm … I don’t think so. We can only sense them within a two mile range.”

 “True. So … this demon is sticking to the camping area?”

 “Yes, as well as the surrounding forest.”

 “Cannae say I blame it.” Eric said. “Goota’ stay where there’s food, aye?”

 “True.” Alan said.

 Ronald gulped and lifted a hand to point to Sascha. “S … shit.”

 It caused Eric to panic. “W … wha’ is it?! D … demon dog?!”

 Ronald gulped and began to quiver. “N …no hair.”

 “Excuse me?” Alan asked.

 Sascha cocked her head to the side before she realised where Ronald was pointing. “Ooooh.” She let out a giggle. “I shave down there. Pubic hair is itchy in human form, I don’t like it.”

 “B … but … how?”

 “You can turn rocks into almost anything if they are sharp enough and if you have the skills.”

 “Y’ … y’ shave y’ bits wi’ a rock?”

 “Well … it is more like a flint object.” She lifted her one arm up and pointed to her armpit. “See, here is shaved too.”

 “B … bloody hell.”

 Eric sighed deeply. “Ignore ‘im, he turns into a faintin’ wreck when he sees a hot girl.”

 “Aww, that is so sweet.”

 Alan face palmed. _Idiots._ “Anyway … Sash, will you help us? I’ve tried to kill it twice and have failed.”

 “Aye, he nearly goat ‘imself killed.”

 “Oh.” She placed a hand on her hip. “That sounds awful. What sort of demon is this exactly?”

 “A Titan Hound.” Alan stated.

 “N … no way, really?”

 “Yes. I understand if you don’t want to help but … I can’t do it on my own. My daughter can help but she’s not old enough yet.”

 Sascha smiled at the girl. “She is so cute, Al! Who is the father?”

 Alan pointed to Eric. “This guy.”

 “Oh … I am sorry.”

 “Excuse ma!?” Eric spluttered. “Ah’m naw tha’ bad, am ah?”

 “Hmm … you could be worse.”

 “So, are you going to help us?” Alan asked.

 “Seems scary but sure, I am so bored here. The only demon I have had to kill in the past month has been a Pisslestich.”

 “Yer ‘ave tae kill those? Aren’t they jus’ Pixies?” Eric asked.

 “No, they are evil little devils. It tried to jab a twig up my butt and I was not going to stand for that!”

 “Er,” Ronald said, “w … when y’ were in human form?”

 “Oh no … I was a rabbit. Those things are not very good flyers and they are too short to reach my butt when I am like this.”

 “O … okay.”

 Eric glanced at him and groaned “Ronnie, yer droolin’.”

 “I am? Oh shit!”

\-------

 The group returned home, Sascha having been excited about riding in a car. She’d never experienced it before. They all sat down in Eric’s living room, Ronald finishing off his report on his laptop before sending it to Claude. Within five minutes, he received an email from his grump of a boss.

 ‘I do not care right now as I am going on holiday for two weeks, starting tomorrow. Go get killed for all I care. However, if this demon is not slaughtered by the time that I return, I will rip your limbs from you. Good day to you.’

 “Fuckin’ charmin’.”

 “Wha’ is it, mate?” Eric asked.

 “Claude said tha’ he’s goin’ on holiday so he doesn’t give a shit wha’ happens for tha’ next two weeks.”

 “An extension? Sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!”

 “Uh huh. Hey … maybe we should phone Will and Grell? See if they can help us.”

 “Cannae hurt tae ask ah guess. Wha’ aboot phonin’ tha’ weird sorcerer guy?”

 “Who, Undertaker?”

 “Aye.”

 “Yeah … alright. Tha’ more people tha’ can help us, tha’ less chance of us losin’ our heads.” As Ronald put his laptop on the ground, Sascha crawled onto his lap, plonking her bottom down forcefully and wriggling around. “I am cold.”

 “Ah … don’t do tha’!” _S … shit, boner alert. Fuck … don’t go all the way up!_

 “Do not do what?” The wriggling escalated as she giggled.

 “Tha’!” _Is she doing that on purpose? Ah … I feel fuckin’ faint._

_\-------_

 It was time to retire for the night, the hunters determined to get William, Grell and Undertaker on board tomorrow. “I am sleeping in Ronald’s bed tonight!” Sascha grinned.

 “Uh … c … cool.” Ronald stuttered.

 Eric chuckled. “Try tae naw make babies tonight, Ronnie.”

 Ronald flicked him off. “Shut it, y’ cunt.”

 “Hah, nighty night.”

 Eric and Alan soon retired to bed, Lexi back in her makeshift box sleeper. “So, wha’ kinda’ spirit is Sash?”

 “What … do you mean?” Alan asked.

 “Born a spirit or was she once a human?”

 “Oh … she was born to a spirit couple in Germany.”

 “Ahhh, explains her accent. Hur did she end oop here?”

 “The Banshee moved her to this forest about three hundred years ago, as it … was a big area for me to protect on my own. Not long after, humans began to forget about that area on the forest. I think that Sash … will be moved to another wood shortly.”

 “Well that’s shite.”

 “Hmm … I don’t see her much but … I’d definitely miss her.”

 “Aye ….”

\-------

 “Ugh … I’m beat,” Ronald groaned, stripping his trousers off and getting into bed. Sascha was already curled up under the covers.

 “Hmm … then get some sleep.” She yawned softly. “It is so … warm under here.”

 “Y’ like my bed, huh?”

 “Yep!”

 “C … cool.” Ronald moved into bed and before he had a chance to turn on his side, Sascha had swung a let over him and snuggled against his hip. _Oh … shit, her bits are pressing … up against my leg. F … fuck._ Ronald didn’t fall to sleep that night. Nopey, the poor bugger fainted.  


	14. Plans - again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grell is a cis female in this.

 The following morning, Ronald knocked on the door to Eric’s apartment. He answered, Lexi held against his hip. “Oh … she’s got clothes on?” Ronald asked.

 “Aye. She seems tae li’e them as long as ah cut oot a hole fir her tail.”

 “Ah, okay. She’s part human, after all.” Ronald chuckled.

 “Ah dinnae ken. Don’ humans li’e tae be naked a lot of tha’ time too?”

 “Well … true.”

 “Where’s Sascha?”

 “She’s still asleep, tha’ lazy bunny. Man … she kept lickin’ my neck when she woke up for a bit earlier. I swear she does in on purpose.”

 “Why would she dae tha’? Tae make yer ‘ave another nose bleed?” Eric grinned.

 “Shut up, Eric.”

\------

  Eric had eventually stopped teasing the poor boy and all four of them now sat in the living room. “So are we phonin’ Will and tha’ or wha’?” Ronald asked.

 “Aye, but ah think we should tell them tae come down in aboot ten days. Lexi will be strong enough tae help us then.” Eric replied.

 “True, true.” Ronald whipped his phone out. “Undertaker or Will and Grell first?”

 “Try Will and Grell. Tha’ weird guy is probs still sleepin’ in ‘is coffin right now.”

 “Cool.” The contact number was clicked on and Ronald held the phone to his ear. Ring, ring, ringgggggggggggggggggg –

 “Hello darling!” Grell shrieked, causing Ronald to hold the phone away from his ear for a moment. It was soon pressed to him again.

 “Hey Grell.”

 “I’m surprised that you’re still alive without me and Will to save your necks.”

 “Uh … thanks?”

 “Or are you managing okay by yourselves?”

 “Well … no.”

 “I knew it! Oh … how lovely, you need our assistance!”

 “Umm, yeah but I know y’ busy wi’ tha’ baby.” Ronald caught the look that Eric shot him. A ‘don’t say that or they won’t fucking help us!’

 Grell laughed loudly. “Oh no, it’s Will who’s far too attached. As for I, I’m dying to kill someon – something.”

 “Sweet! Y’ gonna’ like this one, it’s a massive demon dog thing.”

 Eric grunted at him. _Moron, don’t say that either!_

 Grell made a hissing sound. “Ewww … a dog?! Vile things!”

 “Yeah … but it’ll be a good for y’. It’s a hard demon ta’ kill so y’ should ‘ave a good fight on y’ hands.”

 “Really? A long drawn out battle? Oh … how romant -.”

 “So are y’ in?”

 “Of course I am! I’ll just get someone to babysit the little one and drag William along with me.”

 “Sweet!”

 “We’ll be down -.”

 “Uh … hang on. Can y’ wait another ten days?”

 “Why!?”

 “We ‘ave another person who can help us but they won’t be ready until then.”

 “I don’t need them -.”

 “Trust me, Grell, we’re gonna’ need all tha’ help we can ge’.”

 “Ohhhh, what makes you sound so nervous, honey?”

 “Near death experience?”

 She cackled down the phone. “Well you’ve had plenty of those, darling.”

 “Uh huh. So … ten days’ time, can y’ make it?”

 “What sort of hunter would I be if I couldn’t?”

 “Sweet, thanks! I’ll text y’ tha’ address.”

\------

 “Okay.” Ronald sighed an hour or so later. “Should I phone this loon or not?”

 “Go fir it.” Eric answered.

 Alan threw a half-eaten apple at Ronald’s head, which covered Ronald’s forehead in flecks of apple juice. “And don’t mess it up this time. That woman almost didn’t … agree when you told her … it was a demon dog.”

 “Y’ fuckin’ phone him then!” Ronald shouted.

 “I can’t. I … don’t know him.”

 “Hn … any excuse ta’ be a lazy Bambi cunt.” He dialled Undertaker’s number and waited for an answer.

 “Helloooo?”

 “Hey Undie, it’s Ronald.”

 “You’ve phoned to ask a favour of me? Tehehehe.”

 “Well … yeah.”

 “Then you know the price I ask, hahahaha!”

 “Jus’ ge’ here and then I’ll give y’ a laugh in person then.”

 “Ohh … in person? That sounds gleeful!”

 “Yeah. Y’ need ta’ ge’ here in ten days, alright?”

 “Hmm … very well, but how am I supposed to magic myself over to you if I don’t know where I’m going?”

 “I’ll give y’ tha’ address.”

 “Very good, little hunter, very good.”

 “Cheers, bye.”

 “Bye-bye, hehehehe.”

 Ronald ended the call. “Alright, he’s on board.”

 “Wi’oot even bein’ told tha’ details?” Eric asked.

 Alan sighed. “Well, he is a ‘loon’, apparently.”

 “True, true.”

\--------

 Three days later, Sascha groaned as she stood in front of the mirror. “These clothes itch horribly!”

 “Y’ wanted ta’ take Lexi out, didn’t y’? Thought y’ wanted ta’ see wha’ human towns were like now?” Ronald asked.

 “I … do but -.”

 “So stop moanin’ and magic those ears and tail away.”

 “Ugh … I will lick you!”

 Ronald blushed slightly. “P … please don’t!” _I don’t need another spontaneous boner!_

 Eric chuckled. “Come on, ge’ gooing, yer love birds.”

 “Love?” Sascha looked at him confused. “No, not love. I just like licking people.”

 “I understand completely.” Alan stated.

 Ronald groaned. “Y’ all fuckin’ perverts!”

 The Scottish hunter smirked at him. “Look who’s talkin’.”

\-------

 Ronald, Sascha and Lexi had now left in Ronald’s Impala and Eric picked Alan up bridal style. “Wanna’ ge’ hot under tha’ covers – oh shite, ah goat no condoms.”

 “C … condoms?”

 “Aye, yer ken, those things tha’ stoop people gettin’ pregnant.”

 “Oh … you don’t have to worry about that.”

 “Eh?”

 “Animal spirits can only reproduce once every hundred years.”

 “Oh … why?”

 “Because otherwise there’d be more … animal spirits than demons, Eric.”

 “Oh … yerr all randy gits then?”

 “P … pretty much. Though … sleeping with someone just for pleasure is … pretty naughty.”

 “Dae yer wanna’ though?”

 “Yes, obviously.”

 Eric laughed as he carried Alan into the bedroom. “Naw so pure of heart now, are yer?”

\-------

 Days had passed and Will, Grell and Undertaker were now in Eric’s flat, thinking up a plan to execute in an hour or so. As promised, Undertaker had got his laugh, though it wasn’t the one Ronald had planned. Nope, UT had laughed so hard he’d made Lexi hide in the bathroom when Sascha had licked Ronald so much that the poor hunter had collapsed - AGAIN!

 “So, I think that we should ambush the ugly darling.” Grell stated. “All attack at once.”

 “We cannot just go in head first, Sutcliff.” William sighed. “Especially when we are not sure of where this Titan Hound will even be.”

 “Then what do you suggest?!” Grell scowled at him.

 “We need bait. Alan -.”

 “Hah, y’ tha’ bait again, Bambi!” Ronald laughed.

 “I … expected as much.” Alan’s ears drooped slightly.

 “Can I help bait?” Lexi asked, who was now in her teens.

 “No, you help the idiot hunters.”

 “Like Dad?”

 “Yes, he’s the main one.”

 “Shut up.” William’s eyebrow twitched. “We are getting off subject again. Alan, you be the bait. Once the demon dog is in range, Grell, try to disable it with your chainsaw. Go for the backs of its ankles.”

 “I can help with that.” Undertaker giggled. “You don’t think that I have a spell that can keep it pinned in one place?”

 “Oh … I see. Yes, very well then.”

 “Good boy, Undie.” Grell cooed. “You keep it pinned while I chop it to pieces!”

 “An’ then Ronnie can goo in fir tha’ kill, slicing intae its neck.”

 “Wha’ are’ y’ gonna’ do?!” Ronald asked.

 Eric shrugged. “Well Al might be hurt again so ah’ll ‘ave tae ge’ him oatta’ there. If naw, ma and Lexi will be on standby wi’ Will and Sascha in case things don’ goo as planned.”

 “Pussy.” Ronald huffed. “So … I’m hidin’ up a tree again?”

 “We will all be in hiding until the Titan Hound comes close to Alan.” William stated. “Though, a tree would work well. It will provide height and -.”

 “Jus’ try naw tae break it wi’ yerr fat arse again, Ronnie.”

 “Eric, shut tha’ fuck up! I’m not fat! Ajgrhjhfjrodjgdigoiopbogp!!!!!

\------

 Plan finally sorted out to the last detail, Ronald drove himself, Alan, Eric and Lexi to their location. The car behind them housed Grell, Undertaker, Sascha and Will. Eric turned to Alan and saw that the deer thing’s ears were drooped. “Yer alright, Al?”

 “I … I’m a little nervous. This is … it. We either kill the demon or it … kills all of us. We … can’t keep running away; this time is the decider.”

 “Fuckin’ hell. Way tae depress tha’ lot of us, Al.”

 “S … sorry but it’s true.”

 “You’re getting miserable in your old age, Mom.” Lexi said.

 “Umm … thanks.”

 “Alright, we’re here.” Ronald said as he stopped the car on the edge of the forest.

 Alan gulped as he opened the door and stepped out. _It … it’s now or never …._


	15. Well ... Grell made that look easy.

 They all took their positions on tree branches, Ronald careful not to break his this time. That just left Alan outside of the forest, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved shirt. _I miss my tail and ears._ He pouted as he entered the clearing. _This is so stupid but … it might work. Stupid Ronnie._ Bambi swayed his hips and cupped his hands around his mouth. “Yohooo … devil dog! Don’t I look so nice and tasty?!” _Stupid … fucking hunter._

 Even the Titan Hound gave him a ‘wtf’ look when it charged close to Alan, though it was still determined to eat him. Alan dodged the first swipe of claws and jumped over the second. “Ohh … come on, try harder.”

 Ronald shook his head from his hiding place. _Y’ can stop teasing it now!_

 Undertaker jumped down lightly from his branch, giggling as he slammed the end of his wizard’s staff into the ground. It was a large stick of wood with a skull at the end and what looked like the sharp blade of a sickle. “Dumbledora The Explorer, stick Mr Woofy to the floora!”

 The demon dog’s eyes widened slightly as it found itself unable to move and it let out a whine. William turned to look at Grell, who was stationed in the next tree to him. “Sutcliff, hurry up before his spell wears off!”

 “Ohhh … but I want to savour this moment.” Grell licked her lips as she pulled the cord to her red chainsaw. It spun into action, a whirling sound erupting from it.

 “Just get a move on!”

 “Oh … you shouldn’t rush a lady!” she shrieked and then sighed, jumping from the tree. Just as the spell was about to wear off, she sped around the beast, ripping through all four of its ankles with her weapon and severing its feet. The spell then broke, the devil dog hitting the floor harshly. “Ronnie,” she cooed, “it’s your turn!”

 Ronald tried to jump from the tree in a graceful manner. TRIED. Instead, he fell face first against the leaf covered floor. “Son … of a bitch!”

 “Ronnie, are you okay?!” Sascha called, bunny ears standing up straight in worry.

 “F … fuck, think … I’ve broke … my nose.”

 “Oh no!”

 Alan face palmed while Eric grunted. “Yer fuckin’ idiot!” He jumped down next to his injured buddy and reached out a hand. “Give ma yerr sword!”

 “Y’ not even gonna’ help me up?!”

 “We goat bigger worries right now! If we don’ hurry oop, tha’ demon will heal oop an’ we’ll be in deep shite!”

 “Oh … I give up!” Grell shrieked. “I can do this myself!” She jumped up and grabbed onto a branch, twirling around it and settling herself into a kneeling position on it. Damn … that girl has some moves. In an instant, she’d used the perch to propel herself into the air and had landed on the devil dog’s back.

 It tried to get up but without any feet to stand on, that proved pretty impossible. Before it had a chance to turn over, Grell’s chainsaw had pierced the nape of its neck and it let out an ear piercing scream. Grell grinned, not bothered by all the noise it was making or by the blood hitting her face. “See darlings, I took care of it all by myself!”

 “Grell, run!” Alan called.

 “Whatever for?”

 “I … I forgot. It’ll cause an explosion on its death!”

 “Why dinnae yer tell us tha’ befir?!” Eric shouted before picking Ronald up and slinging him over his shoulder. _Ugh … yer fat bastard!_ “Yer heard Bambi, move yerr arses!”

 William was the first to move, jumping onto the floor and rushing over to Grell. As she leaped from the beast, he grabbed her by the hair and dragged her from the wood. Everyone else followed suit, rushing from the clearing.

 Just as they reached the cars, there was a massive explosion, smoke and wind gusting against them and knocking them all to the floor. “Owww … my butt.” Lexi whined.

 Alan stood up, only to fall to his knees again. A few feet in front of the group stood a deep crater, nothing of the trees and animals in the forest remaining. The charred hole stretched as far as the eye could see. “M … my home, it … it’s all gone.”

 “At least we … finally killed tha’ cunt.” Ronald grumped, his nose dripping blood down Eric’s coat.

 “I killed it!” Grell shrieked. “You all did a fat lot of nothing! Well,” she pulled her hair from William’s grip and rubbed herself against the barmy wizard, “apart from you, Undie, you were amazing!”

 “Thank you, little rose.” UT giggled.

 “Umm ….” Lexi crotched down next to Alan. “Are … you okay, Mom?”

 “No!” Tears fell from the deer’s eyes. “M … my home. I … I have nowhere to live now. All … all my animal friends are … dead. We … killed them.”

 “We did what we had to. There was no other way.” William stated.

 “BUT MY HOME -!”

 “Yer can come an’ help us.” Eric stated. “Be a hunter wi’ ma an’ Ronnie.”

 “N … no, I’m a … spirit animal. I … belong to nature.”

 “But -.” Eric jumped and dropped Ronnie on his head as a shadow appeared in front of him. “Wha’ tha’ fuck?!”

 “Owww … my fuckin’ nose!”

 The shady figure in front of Eric transformed into an old woman in a cloak, eyes sunken and skin wrinkled – almost transparent. “W … who tha’ fuck … are yer?!”

 “I am The Banshee, you stupid bastard!” She croaked out. “My, my, you really have made a right mess of my wood.”

 “I … I’m sorry.” Alan sobbed. “We … killed the hound that … was hurting people … but we blew up the forest! I … I’m so sorry.”

 “Well there’s fuck all you can do about it now, little deer. It’ll grow back in time. Now stop crying or I’ll rip your balls from their sacs.”

 “But where do I go now!?”

 “Go with these two.” She gestured to Eric and Ronald. “These two dumb shits need more help than most of the general population put together. How they haven’t died yet, I don’t know.”

 “B … but I’m an animal spirit.”

 “But you’re not very pure of heart, are you? You bounced on this man’s cock just for pleasure.”

 “I’m … sorry.”

 “When this forest starts to grow back, you can return but for now, save these two moron’s necks.”

 “But that’ll take centuries! They’ll be dead from old age before … it grows back.”

 “Well … they are idiots but they don’t seem like evil fuckers so maybe in a few years I shall turn them into animal spirits too.”

 “Oh ….”

 Sascha clapped her hands together. “Can I go too?! I want to bounce of Ronnie’s dick!”

 “Sure but you’ll probably give him a heart attack if you try to do that.”

 “Really, I can go?!”

 “Your section of the forest was destroyed too, Sascha, you don’t have much choice.”

 “Yay! Dick jumping!”

\-----

***Two months later***

 Ronald and Eric were currently in London, awaiting their next orders. Ronald danced into Eric’s flat that morning, a wide grin on his face. The blonde looked up at him. “Yer look happy.”

 “Yep, I am!” Ronald grinned.

 “Yer goat a shag?”

 “Yep!”

 “And yer dinnae faint?”

 “Jus’ … tha’ once. That’s good, right?”

 “Eh … ah guess so?”

 Alan sighed, tail swishing in annoyance. “You can’t faint during sex, that’s embarrassing!”

 “Eh … well Sash thought it was cute.” Ronald shrugged. “Eric, wanna’ go ge’ a beer?”

 “Aye, ah guess.” He paused for a moment. “Yer dinnae ge’ her pregnant, did yer?”

 “No, I used a condom unlike some idiot.”

 “Ewwww!” Lexi pulled a face. “I’m standing right here! I don’t want to know what Mom and Dad did!”

 “Did? They still do it when y’ not around, y’ know?”

 “Ewwwwwww, dirty!!!!!!”

\------

 A while later, they all piled into Ronald’s car, their next hunt about to take place. “Let’s kill these Zombie fuckers!” Ronald cheered.

 “Aye, ah cannae believe tha’ they attacked an’ ate tha’ Queen.”

 Alan sighed. “Just don’t get eaten yourself, idiot.”

 As much as Alan didn’t want to admit it, his life had indeed become more interesting since getting shot by the Scottish hunter. _I might be surrounded by idiots and a horny bunny but I’m happy._ He smiled to himself, ears twitching happily. _I wouldn’t change this for the world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \--- End.


End file.
